Halloween Makeup for Mortals: The Vampire

Vampires are complicated creatures. Tortured, some might say. No longer human, they are forced to roam the world, killing and feasting in unnatural ways. They love to feed, but they hate themselves for doing it. They long for a peaceful death, but instead are doomed to kill others.

Today, I became one.

It was an emotional process. As I slathered suffocating white makeup on my face, I tried to empathize with the vampire, to feel what it was feeling. I felt grief over my former self. I felt rage at the monster I had become. But eventually, all I felt was the desire to drink long and deep of the ruby red nectar of liiife!

1. I applied a light wash of white foundation all over my face, apologizing to my poor, poor skin all the while. You don't want to look completely white — this isn't clown school, after all — but a little pallor is good, you undead beauty, you. If you happen to suffer from something irritatingly human, such as a blemish on your upper lip, feel free to turn it into a beauty spot. Pay special attention to covering up your cheeks and anywhere else on your face that tends to flush with the ruddiness of life.

Already looking a little under the weather.

2. Inspired by this photo from my vampire Pinterest board, I decided that my vampire felt the poignancy of her past very deeply. And what says "I have a lot of feelings" better than smeared eye makeup? I slathered black paint all around each eye:

And then literally splashed most of it off:


3. Then I "retouched" my eyes, aka smeared some more black on with a finger.


4. Now, there comes a point when everything changes for a vampire. You can sit around all day, crying over memories of the "normal childhood" you never had, or you can leave your rotting mansion and go suck some blood. If you're ready to become your fullest, truest vampire self, it's time to do what I did: red eyeshadow on the watermark, baby. This is the point at which I start to look (and feel) evil.

Here I am, lethargic from lack of dinner.

5. ...did somebody say dinner? Oh my.

(Fake blood + "stipple sponge" down the side of your face/neck.)

6. Feeling rejuvenated and vampirically alive, I decided it was time to rejoin society, circa 1925. (What can I say? My immortal vampire self would definitely be hanging out with Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald.) So I put my hair up in a demure low bun and piled on all my most elegant accessories, hoping none of my flapper friends would notice that I looked a bit... ashen.

So excited to see all my friends at tonight's dinner party.

Thank you sooo much for having me.

No! A murder? Just down the street? How horrible!

What have I been up to lately? The daily grind... you know...