The 87th Annual Academy Awards are airing this Sunday, Feb. 22 at 7:00p.m. EST, so I hope you're reading this on your phone right now because you're standing in line at a movie theater,waiting to squeeze in a viewing of the last few Best Picture nominations still on your to-see list. After all, there's nothing worse than being uninformed on the big day. Can you imagine if someone wanted to know the full title of Birdman after the "or", in the parentheses, and you were unable to rattle off "The Unexpected Virtue Of Ignorance"? My god, you might as well just show yourself right out. Do not pass go, do not collect any of the Oscar-themed snacks that your friends so dutifully carried on the subway from home.
But you don't need to stress about the potential for those embarrassments right now, because I'm here to share my educated guesses about the show with you. I'm just a pal like that. And even if you can't read or don't like to, then great! Because they're in emoji form! Also makes this post ideal to share with guests from out of town, like ancient Egyptians who can only communicate via hieroglyphics. It's safe to say we thought of everything, so read on and see if you agree with our predictions for what will go down during the ceremony.
Neil Patrick Harris' Hosting
You know, greet the audience for a little bit, wave, do a couple magic tricks, then pretty much just dance and sing for the rest of the night, punctuated by giving out a few statuettes, shedding a gentle tear during the in memoriam section, and bidding us all a goodnight with some gentle kisses and a few more dance moves thrown in there.
I think we can all agree that Boyhood has it pretty much in the bag. P.S. Being a teenager is hard.
Who I Want To Win Best Actor
If we can't get Steve Carell an Emmy (still not over that), let's at least slide the dude a well-deserved Oscar.
Who Will Actually Win
Red + mane. Eddie Redmayne? For his portrayal of Stephen Hawking in Theory of Everything? You get it.
Who Will Win Best Actress
That's a realistic portrait of Julianne Moore and all the tears she made me cry in Still Alice.
Best Actor In A Supporting Role
They didn't have 'angry drums', so I had to go with just 'angry music' for J.K. Simmons in Whiplash.
Whose Name Will John Travolta Mispronounce?
That's an image of every single person who might be in the audience tonight, because it is truly anybody's game.
Who Should Host Next Year?
If I have to tell you who those two ladies are, you and I aren't friends anymore.
What Will Be The Most Memorable Moment Of The Night?
Jennifer Lawrence falling down for the third (and hopefully final) time on the Oscars red carpet.
Our Biggest Worry
Listen, some of us have work in the morning, and we'd appreciate not being up all night. Let's keep this thing going, people!