As a millennial with a strange aversion to carrying cash unless it's the weekend, Venmo is honestly my savior. The one thing I don't like about it is that you have to describe what you're paying someone for — can't I just pay my roommate for the cable in peace? — but without this somewhat annoying feature, we wouldn't have Vicemo, a site that shows you all the times Venmo users use the app for sex and drugs. I'm not sure if the DEA is aware of this website, but just in case I'm going to keep all my transactions super PG from now on.
If you've been using Venmo, this might be a good time to change your privacy setting from "public," unless you want the entire world to see that you paid your friend Kelly for "purple drank [martini emoji] [pill emoji]". Like, it seems pretty obvious to me that most of the entries on the site are jokes, but then again not everyone is as discerning as I am, and I wouldn't be surprised if somebody, somewhere got into hot water for their Venmo payments. I'm just saying, I wouldn't want strangers to be able to see my purchases and photo. It's pretty creepy! Let this be your daily reminder from me (and your mom) that the Internet can be a scary place.
Despite the fact that "lol I said my rent money was actually crack" may not be the pinnacle of comedic excellence, I was nonetheless amused by the creativity of some Venmo users. I've compiled my favorite drug and sex-related entries.
A dependable drug dealer:
Because you don't want to get your crack cocaine from any shady characters. You want your drug dealer to be a downright reputable business man, and anybody else simply won't do!
It started off semi-normal...
Sounds like this girl had a wild weekend! And a very high hospital bill.
OK but to be fair, she could easily be talking about a cereal bowl:
At the same time, this sounds like a list of objects you could use to cook up some drugs. I'm no Heisenberg, but I have watched the "Coco" music video a bunch of times.
An addict with very high standards:
Here's a guy who knows exactly what he wants!
Somebody who clearly knows what's up:
EGGS ON FLEEK.
Two things that should never go together:
But what happened to the puppies?! Are they OK??
And my personal favorites... "What?"
...Huh? I've got a lot of questions for these two.
I could do this forever (seriously), but I think I will leave you with that, but you can browse Vicemo yourself. Meth jokes for days.
Images: fuckyeahtimhelenajohnny / Tumblr; Vicemo (9)