This Couple Got Revenge On An Office Lunch Thief In A Brutal Way We've Only Ever Dreamed Of
Once I worked in an office where I was required to come in on Christmas Eve. The night before, with my parents visiting, I'd gone to Pies'n'Thighs (a very important Brooklyn establishment) where I consciously decided not to stuff myself sick in order to have leftovers for work the following day, which I was already grumpy about. Cut to lunch time at the office, and me literally skipping to the fridge with happiness gushing out of every orifice: I was so excited to eat my Pies'n'Thighs, only to find it had been taken, and I assume eaten, by some unknown, subhuman monster. You know what I did? I let a single tear roll down my cheek, then sent out an angry group email (as you do). Such was not the case for this couple who, when faced with the same kind of lunch stealing office criminal, took matters into their own hands and smothered to-be-stolen lunches in insanely hot chili sauce. If only I'd had the foresight to know someone would stoop so low as to take my Pies'n'Thighs, I might've done that same.
This incredible husband and wife team (seriously, he makes her a home-cooked lunch every day AND they execute revenge plots together? #relationshipgoals) decided to take revenge when the wife's lunches kept getting stolen at work. The husband, like all good husbands should, totally had her back, and posted their story to Reddit, saying:
[sic] So I'm a bit of a chilli head. Love my hot sauces. I also love to cook. I also cook my wife a delicious lunch each day, She kept complaining that someone was stealing her lunch every couple of days out of the fridge at work. So I made her some buffalo wings for lunch to put in the fridge, They are really popular with her colleagues But I spiced them up just a little with some Blair's 4am Reserve. (I note you are meant to dilute it with 1 drop per 5 litres of liquid). So I added a couple of drops of Blairs 4am Reserve per wing with nice dusting of Ghost chilli powder for good measure. I did eat a couple to make sure it didn't kill anybody, they were real hot. Even cream doesn't cut the heat: and Ghost chillies keep getting hotter for about 5 minutes. Needless to say just before lunch, there was a shrill from the kitchen, a young male colleague decided to help himself the my wife's lunch which was clearly marked with her name. He ran to the toilet and vomited over and over. Apparently the moans sounded like he was dying. My wife just sat there innocently pretending nothing was wrong. Needless to say she has not lost a single lunch since.
The note then points to this clanger from a user called SultanofShit, which I sincerely hope is real, and related:
I work in a government department. It's always been a great place to work and has a really well stocked fridge, although the food is labelled a bit strangely i.e. "Samantha" for a pasta bake and "Damien" for a sushi tray. I don't really get why they do that but anyway. So I had some chicken wings called Susan and some bastard had made them so spicy that I threw up and my mouth burned all day. Even the Angela yogurt didn't help the burn. So what kind of workplace would play such a sick practical joke and what can I do about it? How much will I get if I sue and how about criminal charges, workers compensation etc. I reckon I deserve enough for a house out of this. Please advise.
I hope we've all learned our lesson here today: Never take another person's lunch from the office fridge, because everyone else will think it's totally funny for them to mess with it to get to you, and absolutely no one will feel bad for you when you're hurling chunks in the bathroom.