Admittedly, when we think about having sex with our favorite stars of choice, we probably don't consider the intricacies of their Oh-face, but the posters for Lars Von Trier's new film "Nymphomaniac" definitely make us consider the latter. Despite my serious hesitancy to like anything Lars Von Trier is remotely involved in (a very negative experience with Melancholia has scarred me forever), these posters are a really interesting take on promotional art. There is a distinct air of vulnerability when you see someone naked and climaxing, even if it is fake and for a photoshoot, but these shots are compelling, regardless of how they make you feel.
You cant argue with the fact that they relate pretty intensely to the focus of the movie, but they also kind of weird us out. (Yes, you are going to see Stellan Starsgard pretty much naked. Yes, you will vehemently wish it was Alexander Skarsgard instead).
So, what are we to do with such controversial pictures of some very well known actors and actresses? Well, I'm going to go through the posters one by one and caption what I think is going on in the picture as the characters/actors are cumming, because that's basically what I was already doing in my head, anyway. A word of warning, you might feel slightly violated, or turned on, or both.
"Yeah girl, ohhhh I'm about to...no wait baby, no I really do have to take this call. Where's my shirt? Actually you can just leave"
"I HAVEN'T HAD SEX IN MONTHS. I'm loving it but trying not to make it obvious that I've put my back out."
"Quick, quick, hurry up so that the floor manager doesn't catch us in this utility closet during his daily rounds! GODDDDD I HATE MY JOB yes, yes, harder"
"I know the fact that I'm the hunky air conditioner repair man turns you on, yes, yes, I will blow in your face, and it shall be refreshing"
"I have sex to forget how terribly mundane my life is."
"I'm the type that will caress your hair and make you call me Daddy until I'm done, and then I'll pay, alright?"
*Animal grunting noises.*
"I know fucking my divorce lawyer is wrong but this feels so right"
"Oh, Monsieur, oui oui ouiiiiiii, oh, zut alors. Je suis finis."
"Awwwwwww yeah, babe, after this I want you to smear a cheeseburger into my chest hair. "
"Ohhhhh, my darling, I am glad I came to visit you in the nursing home today!"
"Yes, yes, when you do it like that it's easy to pretend I am a soldier and you a very, very naughty prisoner. STROKE MY MUSTACHE BITCH. I mean, please touch my mustache darling."