Why is it always such a drama to decide whether or not to go out? The mood swings involved in making this choice are the most ridiculous, non-hormonal mood swings a girl can have. One minute you're totally amped, dancing around your room and trying on outfits, the next minute your throat hurts, it's too cold outside, the blister on your toe is aching and you can't be bothered with anything at all, let alone going out. You curl up into a ball on the couch, put on Netflix, start perusing delivery.com and thinking up excuses to text your friends as to why you're bailing. Snow. Snow is always a legitimate reason. So why the hell doesn't it snow when you need it to?
The process is the same every time, and the older you get (and subsequently less inclined to go out) you get, the more exasperating the whole ordeal becomes. You'll whine, "But whyyyyy can't we just get an early dinner at six, drunk by eight, in bed by eleven?" when your friends suggest a trendy rave or cocktail bar. No matter what you've been doing during the day, no matter what day it is, or what time it is, or what you have to do the next day, the tormented process of deciding whether or not to go out is the same. So here we go, on an emotional journey so many of us ladies are familiar with: the stages we go through when we're deciding whether or not to go out on any given night.
This happens in the morning when you've got the most energy. You'll wake up thinking, "Yas, tonight, YAAASSSSSS," and then either text your friends about it or talk about how much fun you're going to have over brunch.
The next phase is distraction, where you get so caught up in your day that you totally forget about the plans you made to go out.
When your day finally slows down and you're left to think about the night ahead, you'll inevitably remember said plans, and no matter how over-the-moon excited you were earlier in the day, by now, you'll inevitably feel very "meh" about them.
You'll decide you're exhausted, couldn't possibly fathom a night of drinking, dancing, small talk, and whatever else happens on a night out (Who even remembers? You're old now; going out feels like a distance memory, even if you just did it last night.), and overly dramatize exactly how tired you are like "Guyzzzz ZOMGZ I can't even keep my eyes open right now," even though you totally can.
Being tired and grumpy, you'll start to flip flop between "I can do this!" and "No, wait, I can't!" Every minute will bring about a new revelation and you'll start to feel like you're choosing between a Quarter Pounder and a Big Mac—IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
You have literally no feelings about going out as you nap to see if you will wake up feeling better about going out.
When you wake up from your nap, you'll put on some coffee, your best '90s R&B playlist, take a beer into the shower and attempt to get ready. This is the rally. You were born for this.
But then again, you're only human, and your rally will lose its edge once your friends start acting flaky. Amy will text saying she's going to be an hour late, and now Susan can't decide what to wear. You'll start making excuses like "Well if that's the case then I'm not waiting around..." (Not that you're actually "waiting around" for anything; The only other plan you have is to put on your sweats and watch TV.)
Being the incredible logician you are, you'll rationalize not going out completely: You'll save money! You'll see your friends tomorrow at brunch anyway! You'll be able to get up early and go for a run! Aren't you such a fabulous genius, sitting here with your face mask on, three bags of Kettle chips deep!
Once you finally make the decision to stay in, you'll be flooded with relief. If you're lucky, your friends will all have made the same decision, and you can all stay in and do nothing together.
11. Total abandonment
Going out? What are you talking about "going out?" That was never part of the plan. The plan is always Netflix, chips and sitting in a fog of your own farts, because that's real luxury.