The Amazing Way Ice Cream Is Made In Thailand

When I first saw this video of Thailand's "ice cream master", I couldn't enjoy it. Not because what he does isn't incredibly neat and impressive, and not because I don't like ice cream (don't be insane). I'm having trouble enjoying this admittedly food pornographic video because whoever ordered the ice cream being prepared dared to put M&Ms in it like a barbarian. I was seriously so distracted by this egregious error that I was physically uncomfortable as I imagined unwittingly crunching down on one of those inevitably rock-hard suckers.

Don't get me wrong: I'm a girl who loves candy in her ice cream. Candy is delicious. It's just that... I mean, M&Ms? Hard candy shell plus cold ice cream? That's just a chipped tooth waiting to happen, people. If I can impart only one lesson to the masses, let be this: Eat junk food with your head, not your heart. You might think you want M&Ms in your ice cream, but do you know what you want even more than that? All of your teeth, fully intact. Trust me. What made this so very tragic was that it's not like the ordering party was completely ignorant when it comes to mix-ins/toppings; They also ordered Oreo, which is one of the absolute best things to add to ice cream.

Being that, apparently, some of you are still out there ordering ill-advised ice cream toppings, I realize that I cannot just sit idly by—I need to take action. I need to let everyone how to properly top a sundae. So here it is. Read, learn, and never make a stupid mistake like this one ever again. Here are the top 5 ice cream mix-ins of all time:

Oreos

A topping so good that it earned its own amazing flavor (cookies and cream). The perfect combination of flavor, texture, and crunch, Oreos make chocolate and vanilla based ice creams better. I mean, really, what is Oreos and ice cream but milk and cookies for gluttons? It's just never a bad move.

Nuts

When I was thinking of this list, I first dismissed this one because I thought, "Who would pick nuts as the best topping outside of time travelers from 1914 who don't have more delicious candy options?" But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that between the added texture and the sweet, salty, rich flavor, nuts (chopped walnuts in particular) are the way to go. Some things are classics for a reason, I guess.

Heath Bars

Okay, so based on the fact that I dismissed M&Ms in part because of their propensity to chip teeth, one might be inclined to deem me a hypocrite for siding with Heath bars. They are, by nature, quite hard and crunchy. But here's the thing: if you like Heath bars, you've already signed up for candy sticking to your teeth for the next several weeks. The presence of ice cream isn't going to make them any harder to eat. Also they are goddamn delicious.

Marshmallow

And by this, I mean any kind of marshmallow: Mini marshmallows, marshmallow Fluff, marshmallow sauce. Marshmallows bring a completely one-of-a-kind panache to ice cream; nothing else will quite get that great combination of chewy, soft, and sweet. The best part? It doesn't really interfere with the flavor of the ice cream. It only enhances it. Marshmallows are the really supportive, sweater-vest wearing boyfriend of the toppings world.

Hot Fudge

Hot fudge is not always the right choice for ice cream. Sometimes, you've already got a couple kinds of chocolate on there and hot fudge is overkill. Or sometimes you just don't want that much chocolate at all and, let's face it, whatever flavor you had? Once you put hot fudge on there that ice cream is now chocolate. But when it's right?

And here, for the sake of balance, are the worst ice cream toppings you can possibly pick:

M&Ms

We have already discussed. At the end of the day, you may as well be eating pebbles in your ice cream.

Sprinkles

What is your point, sprinkles? You don't taste like anything, you really don't add any texture, and you have the audacity to come in "chocolate" or "rainbow" as though you actually taste anything like either. You're a joke, sprinkles. People only put you on ice cream because they feel like they have to.

Chocolate syrup

Why, why would you put chocolate syrup on ice cream when hot fudge exists? Chocolate sauce just drowns out the flavor of everything else in your bowl. And it's not even a particularly good flavor: it's always a thin sort of watery chocolate. If marshmallow is the sweater vest boyfriend of the toppings world, chocolate sauce is the OKCupid date with the guy who wears a fedora in his profile picture.

Gummy Bears

Ew. First of all, there is no flavor that could possibly go with gummy bear. Second, those suckers are hard enough to chew when they're not stuck in a frozen treat. They're just like these uncomplementary fruity boogers hanging out in your ice cream. Ain't nobody got time for that once they're above the age of 7.

Granola

Girl, please. I like kale and quinoa and vegan cookies, and granola, too. But this is ice cream time. Don't try to make this something that it's not. Don't desecrate ice cream time.

So there you have it: the definitive* and completely objective** list. Move forward in all future ice cream eating endeavors with this knowledge close to your heart.

*not definitive

**totally subjective

Images: Vinoth Chandar/Flickr; drcw/flickr; @joefoodie/flickr; Grace/flickr; Giphy(6)