I'm not sure why I resisted checking out the this web app that tells you what the number one song on the day you were born was. Maybe it's because I wasn't sure I'd like the song in question. Or maybe I've just been thinking a lot about aging lately, having just bought my very first anti-aging skincare kit just the other week. Well, today, I finally gave the site a gander, and it's a bucket of fun. Sure, you think you're going to stop at your own birthday, but then you think, "Hey, I could email my friend HER song" or "Ooh, I wonder what my mom's song is" or "Let me ask the person seated in the next cubicle over what her birthday is" or "I should definitely send my boss her song." And all the while, just outside your window, the snow falls gently on the city, rendering it a sugar-glazed paradise of white. Speaking of pure natural beauty, my #1 song is Barbra Streisand's "Woman in Love." YESSSSS.
Let's examine the lyrics and apply them to my own life, shall we? This will surely be an excellent demonstration of how the ever-shifting algorithm applied to music sales in the United States is actually a prescient prognosticator of how one woman's existence will unfold. This is probably more accurate than a horoscope ever could've been, and I only wish my parents had thought to unpack the lyrics of this tune on the very day I sprang forth from my mother's loins. They could've provided the song as a guide to my life, and saved me a lot of effort.
"Life is a moment in space"
Holy shit, I went to space camp! BARBRA KNEW.
"When the dream is gone"
I have had dreams my whole life!
"It's a lonelier place"
Sometimes I am lonely, especially working from home!
"I kiss the morning good-bye"
Sometimes I kiss my boyfriend goodbye in the morning!
"But down inside you know"
I know many things, down inside my person!
"We never know why"
But I do not know all of the things, or all of the reasons!
"The road is narrow and long"
We used to live at the end of a narrow, long road!
"When eyes meet eyes"
I have eyes and sometimes I look into other people's eyes!
"And the feeling is strong"
I have strong feelings. I love Prozac!
I turn away from the wall
The Berlin Wall crumbled over a decade after I was born.
I stumble and fall
I have fallen down in my life. I also like the season known as Fall.
But I give you it all
I am a very generous person! Sexually, and in other ways!
"I am a woman in love"
I AM a woman in love!
"And I'd do anything"
"To get you into my world"
Do you guys remember "A Different World?" I loved that show.
"And hold you within"
Is this about pee? I am holding pee right now so I can finish this post.
"It's a right I defend"
I'm all about rights!
"Over and over again"
I'm for sure ready to defend my rights over and over again!
"What do I do?"
I ask myself this question sometimes!
There are more lyrics, but I think I've provided enough evidence that the #1 song on your birthday is actually a fine predictor of the life you go on to lead. So God bless the tiny baby born today, when the #1 song is "Uptown Funk" by Mark Ronson featuring Bruno Mars. You are probably going to have a lot of sex in your life.
Images: Getty Images; Giphy(5)