If I was Maria from The Sound of Music, two things that'd definitely make my version of “Favorite Things” would be reality TV and music videos. (Sorry, brown paper packages tied up with string. You look lovely, but I'd be full of hot air if I said you were one of my favorite things.) So whenever a reality star releases a music video, it always seems too good to be true, like that Little Caesar's pizza with the bacon crust. Is it real? Could it be? Two of my most cherished things rolled into one?! Pinch me! I love all of the reality star music videos that've ever been released into the universe, duh, but I have my favorites. And today is the day I pit my favorite reality star music videos against one another. Yup. I'm going to rank these perfect pieces of perfection.
(Note: My rankings do not include any music videos by anyone from the Real Housewives franchise. Those gemstones are in an entirely different league. I would have as easy a time attempting to rank Kim Zolciak's timeless hit "Don't Be Tardy for the Party" against Paris Hilton's "Stars Are Blind" as I would comparing a cup of Dunkin Donuts coffee to a bowl of Kraft macaroni and cheese. Translation: Both items in question are some of the greatest items that've ever existed, so it would not be easy. I'd go so far as to say it would be impossible to compare the two. The Real Housewives music video rankings is a task for another day.)
Ready for the definitive rankings? HERE WE GOOOOO.
#5: "Higher" by Heidi Montag
Artist's reality shows of note: Laguna Beach, The Hills, I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here!, Celebrity Big Brother, Marriage Booth Camp
Reason for rank: I love this song, so it pains me to rank the video last. Alas, the music video does not do the song justice. As much as I appreciate a chill beach music video, this fantastic song deserves something more.
#4: "About Us" by Brooke Hogan ft. Paul Wall
Artist's reality shows of note: Hogan Knows Best, Brooke Knows Best
Reason for rank: Dig the chorus. Dig the bridge. However, the music video could use a little more oomph. A little more pizazz. Maybe a fun hat or two.
#3: "Paralyze" by Tila Tequila
Artist's reality shows of note: Surviving Nugent, A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila, A Shot at Love II with Tila Tequila
Reason for rank: Ms. Tequila has released several excellent music videos, but there is something about the video for "Paralyze". And that something is Tila posted up on a chaise lounge while sporting a fabulous monokini + sunhat. The glam of it all!
#2: "Jam (Turn It Up)" by Kim Kardashian
Artist's reality shows of note: Keeping Up with the Kardashians, K&K Take, Dancing with the Stars
Reason for rank: The story this music video tells is incredibly compelling. A woman, played by Kimmy K., is trapped in a cube of raspberry Jell-O. She wants to escape. Her strategy: slowly assume different poses with the intent to break up the gelatin.
#1: "Stars Are Blind" by Paris Hilton
Reality shows of note: The Simple Life, Paris Hilton’s My New BFF, The World According to Paris
Reason for rank: AUGHHHHH OBSESSED WITH EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS SONG AND THIS VIDEO. This is how you do a chill beach music vid. Also, if anyone ever tries to tell you this song is hot garbage, back away from that person immediately. Because that person is actually a burlap sack that's full of bugs and lies.
Pro tip: Sprinkle these five songs throughout your go-to party playlist. The partygoers will bow to you out of admiration and appreciation. You're welcome in advance.