Paula Deen's Mobile Game Trailer Is Terrifying
If you've lately found yourself wondering, what's that bigot Paula Deen up to? Fear not, because she's back, baby, and she wants to play a game. Specifically, Paula Deen's launching a mobile game à la Kim Kardashian: Hollywood called Paula Deen's Recipe Quest. Per the official press release:
Paula Deen’s Recipe Quest takes gamers through Paula’s illustrious culinary career. Players will start as an amateur chef in a home kitchen while learning the basics of cooking. As they progress to higher levels, players will make their way up to cooking at Paula’s restaurant, The Lady & Sons, and to eventually owning their own virtual restaurant.
Wow, you can cook at Paula's restaurant, just like the former employee of Uncle Bubba's who sued the Deens for "sexual harassment and racial discrimination." What an opportunity, y'all!
And to entice you even more to download her app to collect ingredients and unlock recipes and eventually morph into a stick of congealed butter, Deen has provided a trailer for her Paula Deen's Recipe Quest that, frankly, needs to come with Parental Guidance warning. Set to eerily cheery music, here are nine moments from the trailer that will haunt you forever.
"Are you ready to have some fun?"
Is she threatening me? What does she mean by fun?! Why is the scary lady pointing at me?
Drunk On Flour Power
Is she making cookies or is she concocting a poison, y'all?
Looks Like She's Cracked
Oh dear god. What nefarious fate does she have in mind for this poor, innocent egg? That snarl is menacing.
Look Into My Eyes
These piercing cerulean eyes. I can't look away. They're shooting shards into my soul. Maybe she isn't that bad, y'all... she's just a good southern lady... that slow-motion milk is so soothing... Oh god. What's happening to me?
She's rip-roaring and ready to go ... to suck your soul from your body like a Dementor drinking a milkshake.
SHE'S SETTING THE WORLD ABLAZE. WHO GAVE HER THAT WEAPON.
It's Not Too Late...
Even the game is trying to warn you subliminally! Somehow Paula Deen's Recipe Quest has become its own sentient entity, warning you that this woman is crazy and it's time to bounce. If you can't stand the crazy, get out of the kitchen, and whatever you do, don't look back.
She hath claimed her kingdom. We're all doomed.
Wherever You Go, She'll Be There...
Imagine seeing this face illuminated in a window in the creepy abandoned house in your neighborhood.
If you're so inclined, Paula Deen's Recipe Quest will be available in the app store on March 16.