North Should Learn To Read With These Weird Books

by Maitri Suhas

The girl ain't even two yet, but Kanye West has high hopes for his daughter North West. In an interview with Clique TV during Paris Fashion Week, Yeezy said, "my daughter learned how to swipe before she learned how to read," which apparently is bad, because he wants future generations of kids to make kids today look like crap. "I want to see before I pass 5-year-olds being ten times the level of current human 5-year-olds right now but removing all the separatist concepts." Whatever the hell that means. 'Ye, you gotta work on your sentence structure. OK, so entertaining the idea that a one-and-a-half year who will read soon if Kanye had his way, what would she be reading?

Kanye is also very disappointed by all the one-dimensional toys out on the market, and says that North was bored by all of them, too. He said the toys didn't have "enough quality, soul, life, energy in them," so applying that logic to reading material, we'd assume he'd want only the weirdest and darkest literature for his baby girl, not only to teach her reading skills but to keep her on brand.

So as 'Ye and Kim Kardashian start teaching Nori her ABCs and beyond, they can definitely curate a bookshelf of highbrow kid's lit. Even children's books got an aesthetic. Here are some suggestions.

Everyone Poops by Taro Gomi & Amanda Mayer Stinchecum

Can't ignore the classics. Everyone Poops is pretty zen, assuring children that all of God's creatures are equal in the act of having to go number two and it is nothing to be ashamed of. It's the circle of life, and it moves us all, on and on until the end of time.

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The Witches by Roald Dahl

A terrifying tale of horrific, hideous witches that want to turn children into rats and totally succeed at it. Also, a lot of pretty grim themes of mortality... This is a good one if Kanye wants North to become world-weary before her third birthday. Evil is everywhere, she'll sigh.

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The Gashlycrumb Tinies by Edward Gorey

A dark menacing ABC book from illustrator Edward Gorey, who favored a black and white color palette for his unsettling drawings of dark and darkly humorous Victorian scenes. In Tinies, the ABCs are taught through illustrations of children dying in a number of ways. This could not only teach North about nihilism and absurdism but also could serve as inspiration for Kanye's next music video.

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Han's Christen Andersen's Fairy Tales

Once upon a time, Hans Christen Andersen was really messed up and wrote some dark-ass fairytales that were later repackaged and sugarcoated by Disney. But 'Ye will have none of that — he wants Nori to see the world as it is, with no filter.

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Coraline by Neil Gaiman

I'm sure you saw the extra disturbing Tim Burton film adaptation of Coraline (if not, you should, it's scary good), but did you know it's based on this book by Neil Gaiman? If Kanye wants North to be advanced, he might as well start her with books that are highbrow.

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Mister Babadook

Just kidding. 'Ye might be weird, but he's not a monster.

Images: Amazon (5), Giphy.