What Your Sex Life Says About Your Relationship

by Aly Walansky

Sex is not everything in a relationship — but it’s a big part of it, and what goes on in the bedroom can say a lot about you as a couple — and if it will survive the long haul. But it's not just whether you have sex often or the sex is good or not. If you've been asking yourself, will my relationship last?, it may be time to start paying closer attention to what's really going on in the bedroom.

Sometimes it's obvious that your relationship is doomed, but other times you get so used to your routine that you don't even realize your sex life is in a rut. Your sex positions, your sex frequency, the day of the week that you get it on, even how you fantasize or experiment, can all say a lot about what is going on with your relationship and if it's built to last. A lot of what you do in the bedroom reflects what you are doing (or not doing) and saying outside of it.

Does your sex life have a style? Or has it gone to the thrift shop? We consulted a few experts about what sex is revealing about your relationship.

1. Thinking about an ex

Obviously, calling out an ex's name during sex is a dealbreaker. But, even thinking about an ex during sex is also a sign your relationship may not be working. “It's NOT a sign that your ex is for you, but it shows that your current relationship isn't lighting your spark for long,” says Alexandra Chauran, a relationship psychic.

2. Lack of reciprocity

If you’re someone who lets your lover go down on them but won’t return the favor then it's a sign you’re not only selfish in the bedroom but in your relationship by not doing things for your lover, says Sienna Sinclaire, a sex and dating coach. If you’re a lazy lover in the bedroom, then it’s safe to say you’re lazy outside of the bedroom with your relationship.

3. Dreaming about sex

Dreams are highly symbolic. “So, dreaming about sex acts can represent creation, the sort of creative growth that can sustain a relationship for the long-haul,” says Chauran.

4. Lights on/lights off

If you’re someone who turns the lights out when having sex, keeps your body covered and sleeps in clothes because you’re worried about your body, then that will affect your relationship with never feeling confident about your body, says Sinclaire.

5. Fantasizing about other people

Aside from your ex, are you thinking about other men or women? Fantasies are healthy but when you're focused on other people instead of your partner regularly, it's a sign you're unhappy in your relationship.

6. The day of the week

Is there a day of the week that your or your partner usually initiates sex? “Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays exclusively might represent brief but passionate affairs. Friday, the day of the Freya, Goddess of love, could go either way. Saturday represents duties such as marriage, and Sunday represents growth and longevity of a relationship,” says Chauran.

Here's some new sex positions to try to help reignite that *spark* in your relationship:

7. How open are you to trying new things?

If you’re someone who’s adventurous and trying out new things and positions in the bedroom then you’re going to do the same in your relationship by keeping it interesting with finding new places to visit in town, says Sinclaire. If you’re not willing to try new things in the bedroom then you’re unlikely to try out new things in your relationship to keep it fresh.

Sex isn’t limited to just the bedroom so if you’re someone who’s thinking outside the box by having sex every where in your house or public places, then in your relationship you’re going to be doing things to keep the love alive. This will in return keep your partner interested as you’re always a mystery, says Sinclaire.

8. Are you avoiding sex?

If you’re willing to have sex even when you’re not in the mood, this is a sign of a good sexual relationship, says Christine Baumgartner, a dating and relationship coach. “In a committed relationship if your partner continues to come up with ‘excuses/reasons’ they can’t (or don’t want to have sex) this is an indicator your relationship is probably in trouble.

Sometimes there could be health reasons or schedule reasons and if a couple is committed to creating and keeping a happy and healthy sex life they’ll need to talk about the reasons and together find solutions on their own or be seeking the advice of a doctor/therapist/coach,” says Baumgartner.

10. Post-sex behavior

Cuddling after sex is good sign you're maintaining a healthy relationship. A study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, found that kissing and cuddling after sex leads to a more satisfying and happier relationship. Oxytocin, FTW! Fall asleep right after? It can be annoying for the person who doesn't pass right out, but it's not a sign your relationship is in trouble, and men kind of actually have an excuse.

Want more of Bustle's Sex and Relationships coverage? Check out our new podcast, I Want It That Way, which delves into the difficult and downright dirty parts of a relationship, and find more on our Soundcloud page.