All good things must come to an end and that includes our addiction to super non-committal dating apps included. After some time and an array of defining moments, it becomes clear: you've been on Tinder too long. When you first get going on the app, it's borderline addictive. Seriously, it combines some of the best aspects of life: Shopping without spending money, a complete lack of obligation, and babes. You get to cruise through photos of local hotties from the comfort of your own blanket fort without any expectation to pause your current snacking and Gossip Girl binge-watching. That sounds like the stuff of good dreams because it is — up until a certain point, at least. There is, despite what you might think, such a thing as too much Tinder.
Too much Tindering can be like too much queso dip. Initially, the first few swipes—of both the thumb and the corn chip—are so delicious that it's hard to imagine ever growing sick of it. But eventually, over-indulgence in both is inevitable, sure to earn you a stomachache and potentially, a temporarily jaded outlook on both Tex-Mex restaurants and dating. Not to fret, though. Sometimes a break is all we need for a rejuvenated attitude and a cleansed palate. Other times, it's probably best to call it quits and search for alternative solutions—like, I don't know...speaking to people in real life? Haha, okay, let's not be insane. OKCupid? Craigslist Missed Connections? That's all up to you when you decide enough signs are true that you've been on Tinder too long:
You upload Facebook defaults with purpose
You might catch yourself attending specific events or pursuing activities for the sole incentive of a good new Tinder photo. It's important to look social and fun! even though, deep down, you'd much prefer to stay in and sip pinot noir from your Minnie Mouse coffee mug. Because seriously? What else could motivate you to attend a flower crown-themed picnic? Answer: nothing, because that is an insane concept.
You can now accurately surmise deal breakers just looking at someone's first photo
For example, a microphone means they're a comedian which means proceed with caution or not at all.
You don't actually believe that many people like NPR anymore
This seems to be the No. 1 shared interest, rivaled maybe only by Serial, Seamless, Obama, and It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia. But after enough back-and-forth with "fellow NPR fans" and meeting repeat, bummer malapropisms ("I LOVE 'All Stuff Considered'!!"), you wanna spearhead your local NPR station annual drive yourself. What a catastrophe.
You've developed quite the prowess for finding people's Instagram accounts
Not to mention a steady scrolling thumb that'd never accidentally double-tap a photo from 18 weeks ago.
You regularly recognize matches while out in the real world
And of course, you say nothing. You feel exposed without the protection of the Tinder interface for communication. Double those nerves if you've never actually exchanged messages on the app. The only time this was funny and not anxiety attack-inducing for me was the one time a match visited my former part-time retail gig with another woman. I asked how their day was going and she responded, "You knooow, bed day," before laughing, looking all blissed out. I replied, "Oh, I know," winking at the dude. I never spoke with him again but the satisfaction of this moment was worth it.
...And you also recognize matches' exes
If you not only can recognize people you've matched with on Tinder, but the co-stars of their photos, you know the creepery has gone too far. And if you have another round at the bar, you're dangerously close to divulging your detective work to this new friend-of-a-friend who is also a match's former flame. Things could get awkward really quickly once you get that deeply entangled in the Tinder social web.
You've nailed the two-minute oral life history
Going on enough first dates with total strangers (i.e., people you didn't meet through a friend who could theoretically brief them on ~your essence~) forces this skill to be fully finessed. Actually, this isn't the worst thing—knowing how to concisely explain your post-college life to new folks can come in handy in a lot of different situations.
You think about heights way too often
Literally no place on planet Earth does such a measurement weigh in so greatly.
You neglect certain friends because they're a mutual friend of a regret match
Suddenly potlucks and birthday parties of specific pals are no longer options, just because they're mutual friends with someone you matched with on Tinder who turned out to be a dud. Perhaps you swiped right accidentally while rising from your pillow fort, or maybe this match mentioned something pretty racist in passing while you two were chatting. Maybe, even, you two actually went out and the date simply sucked. Regardless of what happened, you're now actively avoiding any circumstances that may bring you guys together again.
You can't go to certain places anymore
Look, Tinder is good fun and everything, but if you find yourself making actual real life choices based on your activity and interactions on the app, you know it might be time to put down the phone, and take a look at your life. Because this can happen. For instance, I had a lukewarm first date with one match followed by some text exchanges so dispiriting, I blatantly avoided the bar he mentioned managing as well as other haunts he said he loves. Part of this is because I ghosted on him, like a true garbage person. This makes me a real wet blanket while planning drinks-hangs with buddies. (Even though I now am in a Relationship, I continue to abstain for that bar because I am a forever coward.)
A bulk of your phone's camera roll is Tinder profile picture fails (and very few wins)
It's not a proud moment when you realize this.
You automatically assume all new couples you meet are the product of a Tinder match
Wait, you mean there are other ways to meet people for dating purposes? How retro!
...Even when people insist they met some other way
Clearly, these are lies.
You stop respecting people who quote Zoolander
Why do all straight men think including this in their bios is the key to women's hearts and crotches? Someone please explain.
You're some equivalent of Tinder Eskimo siblings with a friend
No city is large enough for two friends and unlimited Tindering.
You feel like talking to a hot stranger in real life—even respectfully—is coming on too strong
Obviously, there are ways to spark conversation with a cutie you see at the record store and still give off-putting, aggressive vibes. Chances are strong, though, you sweetly introducing yourself does not do that at all. Conversely, you now regard anyone you don't already know approaching you is weirdly pushy. None of this is true. It's just called flirting the old-fashioned way and as it turns out, sometimes that's the best way. You've just forgotten how to even talk to people in the real world because you've been living the Swipe Life for too long.
You've tapped out on bone-able acquaintances
Sure, it's fun to swipe right on people you already know, if for no other reason than to see if they did the same. It could be a joke, but it could also mean they secretly think you're babely, too. But you get to the point where your pool of eligible, peripheral friends has completely evaporated. You've either cashed in on all possibilities to bang or the ship has long-since sailed.
The app suggests you widen your discovery preferences
"There's no one new in your area," even after you broadened the parameters to include up to 40 miles your current radius. Time to pack up, disable your account, delete the app, and queue the next Gossip Girl. It's cool, bb, I promise. Just maybe time to get back to the real world for a while.
Images: justine-reyes/Flickr; Giphy (19)
