Your Ultimate Spring Cleaning Drinking Game

Those who enjoy adult beverages know that there are two non-aspirin ways to avoid a killer hangover the next day: movement and water. Thankfully, you don't have to hop on the treadmill after having a shot or two if you plan on embarking on the ultimate mind and body workout — spring cleaning. I mean, judging by the state of your place, you might need alcohol to face the harsh reality that is your apartment anyway. That's where this spring cleaning drinking game comes into play.

Part of being an adult is trying to make all of the numerous, non-fun stuff partially fun — sort of like, "I'll treat myself to a brownie after I vacuum the living room," or "I'll finish off this bottle of wine after I finally file my taxes." Why should spring cleaning be any different?

Because I believe in having fun, I've created a spring cleaning drinking game that'll help you get over the anxiety you might have while tackling the mess that you've created over time. As with all alcoholic sports, make sure you know your own limits. The end goal of this game isn't to visit the ER to get your stomach pumped. Obviously alcohol is best shared with trusted friends, so feel free to invite your best friends over to help. Make sure not to assign them the "personal" tasks, like cleaning your toilet or unclogging your drains, unless you simultaneously need to figure out a way to subtly end a friendship that you've been unsure about for awhile.

Take A Shot After:

  • You start coughing on accumulated dust, and you seriously can't identify where it came from.
  • You realize that you've spent the last hour reflecting on old memorabilia you found, and haven't actually done much else besides revisit whether or not you really did like that dress you wore to your cousin's wedding seven years ago. Take an additional shot if you've realized you haven't printed real photos out in the last three years, and procrastinate further by putting together a Snapfish order. Add one more shot if you waste at least a half hour finding the ideal new photo album on Amazon.
  • Every time you have to unclog your vacuum cleaner, since it sucked up a stray bobby pin. Take a break with a glass of water every time you think, "Hey, I might need that pin. I should probably hold onto it." Seriously, bobby pins are one of the cheapest things you can buy, so that train of thought means you might be kind of a lightweight with the booze.
  • Your idea of thoroughly scrubbing the toilet is "throwing a 2000 Flushes tablet into the tank." I mean, the water's blue now. That's progress, right?
  • You feel discouraged after nobody "liked" your Facebook status that you posted an hour ago that says "Spring Cleaning!" Take two shots if you've been staring at your cell phone for acknowledgement this entire time, and haven't actually started cleaning yet.
  • Your iPhone or iPod accidentally plays "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion while on shuffle, and you feel zero embarrassment.

Take Two Shots After:

  • You realize that you have like, 90 unused candles from Bath & Body Works hidden around the house, and you seriously can't remember where half of them came from. I mean, "Autumn Sky" smells nice, but why do you have five of that particular "flavor"?
  • You randomly uncover a pet accident stain, and can't tell how long it's been there for. (Note: This happens to all of us, even those with a constant watchful eye on our cats and dogs. As long as you don't find cats you didn't know you had, or like 50 dead rats, you're not gross.)
  • You uncover that still-packed box that has followed you throughout the past five moves, which contains pogs, a Furby, and random notes you wrote to people you forgot existed back in high school, and think "Well, I can't part with these." Drink a glass of water if you have enough sense to get rid of it.
  • You've cleaned out your entire fridge, and realized that the only thing left in there is a bottle of ketchup and half of a bottle of ranch dressing.
  • You've realized that your kitchen has more than three junk drawers, none of which includes stuff you'll actually need.

Take Three Shots After:

  • Your closet is still filled with velour tracksuits that haven't fit you for the last decade, but you still can't part with them since they "used to be cool."
  • Finding that old journal you kept in college, and deciding that your time would be best spent reading every single entry about that guy you had a crush on for a semester. If you start crying about the man who got away, chug a glass of water immediately after.
  • Realizing that you're partially serious after thinking, "can I find a good use for all of this pet hair that's embedded in the carpet?"
  • Successfully cleaning every single dish you have in the house, even the ones that you need to wash by hand. This is the first time you've even bothered to comply with the care instructions for that cast iron skillet, and perhaps the last.

The Cool Down

Chug A Glass Of Water After:

  • Your "break" from hard work involves cyber-stalking everyone you used to refer to as a BFF, and comparing lives. Once you wonder (mid-tears) whether or not Bethany had to clean the soap scum out of the shower today, you're probably ready for some water.
  • Trying to simultaneously light all 90 of your Bath & Body Works candles at once, and thinking that the suffocating smell of numerous scents is somehow "relaxing."
  • Attempting to drunk dial a parent and tell them about your cleaning adventure, in hopes that you'll hear the statement "I'm so proud of you."

Once you sober up, take a look at the excellent job you did. With the power of motivation and alcohol, you can accomplish anything.

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