When you're a smart, sassy siren looking for love online, you come across countless profiles. But it gets tiring to read carefully through profiles, only to feel like you’ve wasted your time. Let’s face it: most online dating profiles are terrible. A lot of them aren’t even worth clicking on. A lot should have never showed up on your screen. The trick, then, is figuring out which people are worth your time. And that has everything to do with someone having a click-worthy online dating username.
Over the last couple of years, I’ve become a bit of a serial online dater. I’ve sifted through hundreds if not thousands of online dating profiles—and chatted and met more people than I can count.
And here’s what I’ve learned: the username someone chooses can often tell you exactly what—and who—you’re dealing with. This is incredibly helpful for weeding people out and focusing on the ones who are looking for whatever you're looking for.
Sure, profile pictures are important but they can't tell you much about their personality, living situation, and reading/writing abilities like someone's username can. From the wannabe literal MOFO who's 23, jobless and lives with his parents to the ho-hum under-whelmer who has a flat personality, here's your guide to determining who's profile is actually click-worthy.
1. The unrefined pervert
Look for references to: genitalia (proper and not-so-scientific variants), size of genitalia; anything related to boobs, porn, and/or the number 69. Oh, and sex. Duh.
Real-life username examples: bignipsluver, jackhammer6969, justthetip, pussyowner, Al-exxx
What’s with this guy? This dude is nowhere near ready for a serious relationship; he’s keeping his "options" open (if he has any). Be aware that this person will expect sex on a first date. They're also kind of gross and creepy.
2. The wannabe literal MOFO
Look for references to: motherhood and fornication; and sometimes, money.
Real-life username examples: MILFLOVAH, MILF_candy, sugarbaby1983
What’s with this guy? He’s no more than 23 years of age, and most certainly has a sexual bucket list that involves a one-time-only hook up with an older woman. He can’t afford to take you out on a date, because he doesn’t have a job. And you would have to host at your place, because he still lives with his parents.
3. The jaded casualty of Cupid
Look for references to: feelings of loneliness and dissatisfaction, any resentment toward women, and/or being single for an extended period of time.
Real-life username examples: MisterFrustrated, dry spell, HelloIAmLonely
What’s with this guy? Nothing says “I’m awesome and totally dateable!” like a guy who is clearly admitting his desperation. If you initiate contact, be prepared for lots of messages from him. Lots. Of. Messages. Also, he may be more likely than others to send you unsolicited penis pics (you've been warned).
4. The gross over-compensator
Look for references to: over-the-top adjectives to describe oneself.
Real-life username examples: GreatCatch, hotstud, SuperHotMegaHunk, Studley_McAwesome
What’s with this guy? Keep in mind: he chose his username himself. He thinks he’s beyond awesome—and doesn’t understand why he can’t find someone who will stay with him. He is arrogant and delusional about where his faults lie. Don’t expect him to ask you too many questions about yourself. He really doesn't care.
5. The ho-hum under-whelmer
Look for references to: bland, insipid adjectives to describe oneself.
Real-life username examples: simpleman, Niceguy, averageJoe, funmale
What’s with this guy? He’s neither creative nor imaginative, and very likely has a flat, non-dynamic personality. If you're looking for fireworks, this isn't your guy.
6. The reckless “TMI” guy
Look for references to: full name AND profession.
Real-life username examples: FULL NAME!
What’s with this guy? He has given no thought to the risk of posting his name and occupation and photos online—making him incredibly vulnerable to identity theft. Reading between the lines, this guy may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer.
7. The unwitting non-wordsmith
Look for references to: spelling errors and/or unintentional ambiguity.
Real-life username examples: NotWaistingLife, fungyy, Thankyouforaskin
What’s with this guy? It could be any or all of the following: he is not writing in his first language; he is functionally illiterate; and/or he really does not give a flying fig about making a solid first impression.
Images: Katie Brady/Flickr; Giphy.com (7)