12 Insane Rand Paul Merchandise Items, From Birthday Cards To Sticks, For Your Inner Libertarian

The "libertarian-ish" Kentucky senator Rand Paul announced that he is running for president on Tuesday, becoming the second GOP presidential candidate after Ted Cruz. While the two differ on a range of issues and it might be hard to predict the outcome of the GOP primary, the sheer number of weird Rand Paul 2016 merchandise on his online store has already propelled the Kentucky senator way ahead in the memorabilia game.

Don't believe me? Take a look...

Image: Getty Images

Rand Macbook Skin

The first line in this description reads (I kid you not) “Macbooks are cooler when they’re skinned with freedom and liberty.” Talk about menacing. Who wouldn’t want to exude those American values by plastering Paul, complete with dark sunglasses and strong hand gesture, on their laptop, right?

Image: Rand Paul Store

Rand Paul Eye Chart

OK, I get it — this weird “eye chart” is supposed to be a sly wink at Paul’s former occupation as ophthalmologist before he was elected to office. This item will help you isolate those merely jumping on the Paul bandwagon from his true supporters, who would obviously know this fact about him.

Image: Rand Paul Store

Unleash the Dream Tee

T-shirts don’t make for strange political merchandise, but what caught my eye was the deep symbolism behind this Rand Paul tag-wearing dog. The description helpfully points out: “No one wants their government keeping them on a leash” and then as if to drive home Paul’s values of freedom, tells you that “every good American likes a dog!"

Because I guess only bad Americans don’t like dogs?

Image: Rand Paul Store

NSA Spy Cam Blocker

Rand Paul does not like the NSA, and you probably don’t, too. This little gadget will cover the camera on your laptop so that those pesky surveillance agents can’t monitor your actions. Genius!

Side note: Paul voted against reforms to curb the NSA because “it didn’t go far enough,” so I guess this handy little plastic piece will have to suffice in keeping those spies away for now.

Image: Rand Paul Store

Rand on a Stick

I just don’t know anymore. And neither, it seems, does the person writing this description: “Sure, there are a lot of things you can get on a stick, but can you get the next leader of the free world on a stick? Huh?”

Anyhow, they are called “freedom paddles” and the website suggests that they are good to fan your overheated body with at ”rallies, parades, meetings, operas, church services that lack air conditioning.” Another genius product.

Image: Rand Paul Store

Bag Toss Game

For a mere $100, you can “have fun, make a difference.”

Who’s responsible for these items’ descriptions? Let me shake your hand on a job well done.

Image: Rand Paul Store

Authographed Constitution by Rand Paul

The U.S. Constitution with Paul’s autograph is perfect to whip out during a political argument with your friend/uncle/neighbor/stranger at Walmart as you both try to interpret what the founding fathers truly meant.

Image: Rand Paul Store

Constitution Woven Blanket

“Let this item envelop you in soothing 18th century prose as you dream about American exceptionalism” should have been its description.

Image: Rand Paul Store

Giant Rand Paul Birthday Card

This three-foot-tall birthday card will be perfect for starting unnecessary political debates at parties.

Image: Rand Paul Store

The Real Rand Woven Blanket

“In the absence,” reads the description, of Rand Paul’s actual presence in your living room at night, “curl up on your couch with the Rand blanket. It’s the next best thing to him being there.”

No, not creepy at all. I wonder if Paul himself approved this.

Image: Rand Paul Store

Don't Drone Me Bro Shirt

At a CPAC summit once, an audience member shouted “Don’t drone me, bro!” as Paul was talking about a “message” he wanted to send to President Obama regarding his 13-hour filibuster. Funny!

Image: Rand Paul Store


Rand Paul Beats Headphone Skins

Inject your right-wing political views with some street cred — after all, there’s nothing like flaunting your conservatism while exuding hipness at the same time.

Image: Rand Paul Store