CLIF's Pizza Energy Paste In A Tube Is Either Your Greatest Dream Or Biggest Nightmare

You know, there totally comes a point where it’s time to step back and reflect on whether we’ve gone too far. That point may come with the release of CLIF's pizza energy paste, which in theory could be awesome but according to NPR’s "Sandwich Monday" is markedly not. I haven't tried the stuff so I can't comment on its deliciousness or disgustingness, but let's just refer to its list of ingredients, which includes “Organic Carrot Puree, Organic Quinoa, and Organic Sunflower Seed Butter, just like real pizza.” Just like the good stuff.

And lest you jump to the reasonable conclusion that this pizza goo is merely an April Fools’ gag, head right over to CLIF’s website, where it’s currently for sale.

The paste comes in a four-ounce, 160 calories pouch with a “pudding consistency,” according to an eight-minute video review on YouTube. For what it’s worth, the woman in the video could hardly keep it down, so NPR’s satirical review isn’t too far from the mark. She likens it to pureeing cold, leftover margherita pizza in a blender and then tubing it. Yum. The upside, however, is that the paste is gluten free, USDA organic, and kosher.

Another critic at the Aspen Times Weekly reviewed the goo, finding it a little more palatable than some of CLIF’s other tubed atrocities. “Pizza goo tastes like a strong, slightly spiced tomato paste. Its texture is more like marinara sauce than yogurt, and it has a distinct nutty finish,” they write. Nutty pizza, a classic.

This certainly puts a whole new spin on that misinformed rumor that Congress ruled pizza is a vegetable. So, there’s that.

Images: CLIF Bar (2)