What Your Favorite 'OITNB' Inmate Says About You

by Mary Grace Garis

Finally, the trailer for Season 3 of Orange is the New Black is out, and it looks like a kinder, gentler, lighter year at the the prison that contains a bunch of semi-deranged criminals. But like those semi-deranged criminals, it's really hard to judge until you see the full picture. We've really grown to love and identify with this large community of complex women, and it makes you wonder. Which prisoner at Litchfield Penitentiary is your favorite, and what does that say about you as a person?

And I'm not just talking about our WASP-y protagonist and the returning "Bettie Page of Litchfield," I'm going over a wide range of inmates. I mean, let's be realistic, not EVERY single one, although I could Sparknote some of the side stars if you'd like. For example, loving Yoga Jones means you're very much spiritually at peace... and also, if you prefer Nickelodeon's Doug over Brooke Soso, that means you're packing for Coachella right now. And if your favorite inmate is Flaca, than you have a goth heart and understand that the two most important things in life are The Smiths and pizza. I.e. you're me.

Otherwise, in two sentences or less, I've drawn thumbnail impressions about what your Orange is the New Black bestie says about you. Enjoy, and as always, take them with a grain of salt.

Piper Chapman

You just moved to a big city where you're realizing that nobody—be it brokers, employers, or suitors—no longer care you're thin, blonde, and went to Vassar.

Alex Vause

You listen exclusively to psychobilly and have sincerely considered getting a tattoo of a topless mermaid on your arm.

Miss Claudette

People have described you as a "hostile grandmother" type.

"Red" Reznikov

You're outwardly tough as nails, and probably a HBIC at your current workplace. But you're only so hardened after years of being teased mercilessly in high school.

Suzanne "Crazy Eyes" Warren

You are not above posting conspiracy theories on your Facebook wall.

Tasha "Taystee" Jefferson

You're an adorable, hilarious, ne'er-do-well who often sees the upside of your pretty much bonkers life stories.

Poussey Washington

You love to joke around with your friends, but you're a lot more loyal to your friends than they are to you, and that causes a lot of anger and grief.

Nicky Nichols

You're a big fan of bluntness, But I'm a Cheerleader, and not brushing your hair.

Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett

I'm gonna assume that it isn't because you're a rare blend of dumb, sadistic, and delusional, and say it's more because you were raised in a household with hyper religious parents and ended up rebelling hardcore as a result.

Daya Diaz

Your creative ambitions were cut short at an early age because of some childish act of rebellion, i.e. choosing to spite your mom by not doing homework for all of school basically cost you getting into art school. I mean, they're forgiving, but not 1.78 GPA forgiving.

Gloria Mendoza

You're used to being second in command but you really yearn for more power.

Sophia Burset

You are the full package, You have a progressive mind, impeccable fashion sense, and when needed, you can break out a killer side-eye.

Lorna Morello

You're well-meaning but occasionally write Facebook statuses that start off with, "I'm not racist, but..."

"Black Cindy" Hayes

You're characteristically irresponsible, but hey, at least you know how to have fun.

Images: JoJo Whilden/Netflix; Giphy (16)