The Amy Poehler Guide to Success in Everything You Do
Step One: Be Amy Poehler. Step Two: Rule World. While it might look that easy from the outsider's perspective, the woman also known as Leslie Knope — Boss Bitch (not #bitchboss) of Pawnee, Indiana and Public Servant to my Parks and Recreation-loving heart — can tell you it isn't. Success takes far more than simple genetics (because society is no longer steeped in royal hierarchy and politics, huzzah), and while taking a seat on the Ellen DeGeneres' show, Poehler gave us the keys to surefire success. Hint: it involves caves and Sandra Bullock.
Of course, the easiest example of brilliant success in Poehler's recent history would be her hosting gig with equally-as-amazing-BFF Tina Fey at the 2013 Golden Globes. DeGeneres — also a host of things herself, including the 2001 Emmy Awards, the 79th Academy Awards, and the upcoming-in-2014 86th Academy Awards — knows quite well the sort of preparation that goes into helming such a fête. Turns out this secret is universal — perhaps even The Ultimate Hollywood Success Secret® — as its how DeGeneres likes to start every morning. Curious? (Duh.)
Allow us to break it down for you. Remember, though: with great power comes great responsibility.
- Two weeks prior to hosting, find a ranch — or own a ranch — and go there.
- Do not talk.
- Do not eat food.
- Drink copious amounts of juice.
- Get an astrologer — consult with him or her.
- Find — or own — a cave. Lie down in it.
- Assemble your finest minions together to yell jokes into the cave.
- Engineer wind gusts that enter and exit the cave to float jokes through.
- Pick up the ones that land, ignore the ones that don't.
- Find — or own — a solid brick wall.
- Drive your solid gold (no, that gold-plated nonsense will not do) Porsche into it.
- Prank call Sandra Bullock.
- Get Started.
That's all it takes you guys — that's it! That's The Plan! Now that you've been let in on the secret, check out the video below.