The Amy Poehler Guide to Success in Everything You Do

Step One: Be Amy Poehler. Step Two: Rule World. While it might look that easy from the outsider's perspective, the woman also known as Leslie Knope — Boss Bitch (not #bitchboss) of Pawnee, Indiana and Public Servant to my Parks and Recreation-loving heart — can tell you it isn't. Success takes far more than simple genetics (because society is no longer steeped in royal hierarchy and politics, huzzah), and while taking a seat on the Ellen DeGeneres' show, Poehler gave us the keys to surefire success. Hint: it involves caves and Sandra Bullock.

Of course, the easiest example of brilliant success in Poehler's recent history would be her hosting gig with equally-as-amazing-BFF Tina Fey at the 2013 Golden Globes. DeGeneres — also a host of things herself, including the 2001 Emmy Awards, the 79th Academy Awards, and the upcoming-in-2014 86th Academy Awards — knows quite well the sort of preparation that goes into helming such a fête. Turns out this secret is universal — perhaps even The Ultimate Hollywood Success Secret® — as its how DeGeneres likes to start every morning. Curious? (Duh.)

Allow us to break it down for you. Remember, though: with great power comes great responsibility.

  1. Two weeks prior to hosting, find a ranch — or own a ranch — and go there.
  2. Do not talk.
  3. Do not eat food.
  4. Drink copious amounts of juice.
  5. Get an astrologer — consult with him or her.
  6. Find — or own — a cave. Lie down in it.
  7. Assemble your finest minions together to yell jokes into the cave.
  8. Engineer wind gusts that enter and exit the cave to float jokes through.
  9. Pick up the ones that land, ignore the ones that don't.
  10. Find — or own — a solid brick wall.
  11. Drive your solid gold (no, that gold-plated nonsense will not do) Porsche into it.
  12. Prank call Sandra Bullock.
  13. Get Started.
  14. Succeed.

That's all it takes you guys — that's it! That's The Plan! Now that you've been let in on the secret, check out the video below.