Try and remember the last time you ate a popsicle in public. If you’re not a popsicle addict like me, let me paint a mental picture for you. It’s hot out, and you see an ice cream truck, so you go get one of those AWESOME fireworks popsicles and sit in the park. You’re licking away, remembering how you used to eat these all the time when you were a kid, and how they’re definitely as good as you remembered.
As you eat your ice pop, the bottom starts melting, so you’ve now got sugar juice dripping in all directions and as you start licking the bottom (to stop the melting bit from getting on your hands) you realize that the old man who always sits on the bench is staring at you creepily and smiling. As you turn around, you realize that the man sweeping up leaves is also staring, and the mother of three sitting near you is shaking her head disapprovingly as you innocently try and enjoy the very same treat she just bought her kids, who are employing the very same tactics you’re using (if they care about keeping their hands from getting sticky). Which is to say that there are a lot of foods that become unacceptable to eat in public once you’re old enough to be wearing bras, because as it turns out, loads of foods are shaped like penises, and it makes people uncomfortable when you eat them.
To avoid future phallic and sapphic embarrassment, here is a comprehensive list of foods you can no longer eat in public. You're very welcome in advance.
1. Popsicles. *sigh*
2. Bananas. You know why.
3. Passionfruits. You have to kind of slurp at them and it can quickly turn into a Sex and the City Mr. Pussy-eating-a-lychee type situation.
4. Oysters. Oysters are nature’s vagina.
5. Hot dogs. Which is really a bit of a shame.
6. Roast beef sandwiches. Look into the pink, warm interior of your sandwich the next time, you’ll understand.
You have been warned;the world is a dangerous place full of food that might make you look slutty. When in doubt, go with yogurt. There's nothing sexy about yogurt.
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