'Reign' Recap: Murder, Mayhem and Ghosts (Oh, My!)

Reign kicked off its second week in the royal court of The CW this week. Gone is much of pilot's campy fun, which has all been replaced by murder, gore, and a heavy dose of intrigue. "Snakes in the Garden" isn't a bad episode of television per se, but it's also not so bad it's good, either, like the premiere implicitly promised. Reign seemed destined for soapy good times and love triangles, not dead bodies drained of blood by Druids in the woods, amirite?

Just so we don't get off track again, I've outlined some of the darker moments and the appropriate replacements for them in the future. Check it out.

Instead of having Colin be secretly alive and then dead again... have Colin be secretly alive and then not dead again. Alternatively, Colin could turn out to be a vampire or another supernatural being, in keeping with The CW's core appeal. Colin was saved by a switcheroo from clever ghost girl Clarissa (the one living in the walls who warned Mary about the roofie last week), but was then later found dead a second time, which is just a waste of a perfectly good plot twist. Instead, let's let Colin live a while and maybe use him to prank... erm, I mean, teach a lesson to, the evil Queen Catherine.

Instead of gory deaths... have more elaborate headbands! The pilot really promised us two things: 1.) This show would have the best accessories ever seen in a soapy period drama, and 2.) There would not be gory deaths involving drained bodies in the woods. Okay, the second promise was probably more about love triangle drama, but the point is still basically the same. Less gore, crystal headbands galore. (Can we get that started in a chant, please?) On the bright side, Bash really did prove he's willing to do anything for Mary when he searched the murderous woods for Colin. I wouldn't go so far as to count this as romance, but it's something.

Instead of a sinister English ambassador... have a choreographed pop dance number. The show's soundtrack already goes all out contemporary, so I'm going to start the lobby now for a modern, maybe Bollywood-inspired court-wide dance number at the next ball. You know, just one of those group numbers everyone knows, inexplicably. While a dance number would be lovely, what we have is an English Ambassador whom Clarissa the Ghost is leading Mary to after they play marbles while Mary asks who's trying to kill her. You know, when I type it out, this part is actually just bizarre enough to work. Carry on, CW. But don't forget that dance number request. That still stands.

In other news from the episode, Francis continues to totally crush on Mary, whilst still claiming he won't marry her (yeah, but only if Bash totally steals her chastity first, wink wink, nudge nudge). The love triangle is progressing nicely though, as both brothers obviously care for Mary and go out of their way to show it. This week, as you know, Bash went into the woods to find Colin. That should have been a winning move, but Francis told off his mother, explaining that everyone is onto her plot to kill Mary (including Mary) and that if anything happens to his betrothed, he'll hold her personally responsible and do the child version of disowning her. Ouch. But it's effective, for now at least. Catherine goes to Mary and asks her to stay at court. She'll probably still try to kill her, but she'll have to be stealthier about it — or turn Francis against his lifelong fiancé.

Image: The CW