Sometimes when an Onion-worthy headline materializes and once you realize that it's a real thing, it's hard to not smirk at the absurdity. Take, for instance, this mom whose friends wrote her a letter saying they can't stand her baby updates on Facebook. They were so fed up, they gathered to draft this decidedly bitchy letter to Jade Ruthven about the "running commentary" on her infant daughter. Hold the phone—what?
Listen, part of the unspoken contract each of us sign by participating in post-2006 Facebook is that baby photos, political rants, and overzealous vacation photos are all par for the course. You don't have to like it, you just have to tolerate it. Or—you know—there is a freaking "hide" option. You don't have to unfriend a person or, like these women, be a total monster if you continue to feel annoyed about a specific Facebook friend's posts. Here are dummy-proof directions on exactly how to do that, in case you're still confused. Anyway, Ruthven's "friends" came together to create a malicious letter about her frequent posts about her baby. What a terrible, wretched person she is to be excited about the truly magical journey of motherhood! Also, like, how could this friend be the first of theirs to post a lot of photos of their child?? Did these horrid women who wrote the letter only just start logging on to Facebook? See the garbage note below:
"We're doing this to let you know what people really think." These women act like they're doing their friend a favor when the real favor would be to either be stoked for her new chapter or quietly hide her posts. This is not real friendship. This is a bitchfest with justification poorly attempted with that last line. "We're helping you, GIRRRL. LOL, just chill on the baby pixx, k?" No. NOPE.
To be real, I gotta say this: If you want to write an effectively cutting letter, it's crucial to pay close attention to spelling, grammar, and consistent punctuation. That lack of regard is hands-down the second most offensive quality of this mean letter. Some of my major gripes with its construction:
"...We don't ram it down everyone else's neck!!!"
Do you mean "throat"? "Neck" is the outside part, I'm pretty sure, and therefore cannot accommodate things going down or coming out of it. It's OK. Anatomy is tough.
"We can't wait for you to get back to work - maybe you won't have time to be on Facebook quite so much."
Almost positive you should have used an em-dash, not a hyphen. Either way, studies show people spend company time on Facebook kind of a lot. So don't expect the updates to slow, probably.
This $100 word does not easily blend in with the otherwise low-level readability of the letter. It's like these banshee ladies panicked and selected the snobbiest result from a Thesaurus.com search for "love" to sound more credible. If y'all can do that, I'm sure you can avert eyes from Ruthven's baby updates. I have faith.
Images: upsand/Flickr; Sunrise/Facebook