Man Walks Pet Tortoise Through the Streets of Tokyo, Confusing Everyone Including Tortoise — PHOTOS

I don't know how to say this thing I need to tell you guys, so I'm just going to say it: In Tokyo, there is a man who takes his giant tortoise for walks through the city streets. When I was 16 years old, I once saw a man walking his cat on a leash through the streets of Boston. I remember thinking to myself, "That is some hipster nonsense." (I didn't think it in those words, because "hipsters" weren't really a thing back in 1999, but the sentiment was basically exactly the same.) Here's a list of pets who should be taken for walks:

Dogs

...That's it. That's the whole list. Who walks their cat? My cat would legit murder me if I tried to put him on a leash, and cats aren't the only ones who dislike being confused with dogs. I worked at a summer camp one year that had a ferret. I took him out of his cage once to show the kids and put a leash on him. Want to know how much he liked it? I still have the scar on my wrist from where he tried to scramble out of his little harness and vanish into the bushes. So stop, people; you're not fooling anyone, least of all your pets. There are lots and lots of ways to love on your non-dog animals without basically pretending they're dogs and taking them for walks.

Then I saw this dude on Twitter...walking his tortoise. You guys...no. This is madness and I will not stand for it.

So, so many thoughts, guys. First, African spurred tortoises are not recommended as pets. So there's that. And then there's the fact that...just...oh my God, how infuriating must it be to keep pace with a tortoise? I hope you don't have anything else to do today, dude, because it ain't getting done. Third: What on Earth are you supposed to do if that tortoise decides, "Eff you, buddy, I'm not moving."? This particular species can weigh up to 200 pounds! Even if it's a smaller female, they're over 60 pounds. Are you really going to manage an unwieldy 60-200 pound tortoise back to your apartment (which, by the way, almost certainly isn't big enough for a pet like this)? Stop and think. But obviously you weren't thinking...

You wouldn't subject your poor tortoise to this kind of embarrassment if you were thinking.

But you know what: my new motto is "follow your bliss." Is this your bliss mysterious bald man? Very slowly walking your tortoise through the streets of Tokyo? *sigh* Very well. You enjoy. I'll be over here, shaking my head in confusion and disdain... because that's my bliss.