'Entourage' Movie? More Like 'Ughtourage': The Film We Never Wanted Is Happening
Guess what? Every dude you went to college with who had Family Guy and Beer posters hanging in their dorm just got another gift, aside from all that privilege — according to Jerry Ferrara, aka Turtle, the Entourag e movie is happening. In a recent interview with Wendy Williams, Ferrara said the Entourage movie is definitely a go and the closing deal could happen as soon as today. The actor claims that the delay on production has been due to basic logistics, not because of any nasty rumors about the cast being “greedy.” I guess all of those guys have been up to so much since the show ended in 2011. People watch Mr. Selfrige, right? Last Vegas? Sure.
Exectuive Producer Mark Wahlberg was given a strict budget by Warner Bros. to keep the movie under $30 million (Peanuts! AMIRIGHT?). Though Wahlberg accused the cast of being unhappy with their deals, according to Ferrara,
Here's what I'll say about holdouts: Athletes hold out when they have a contract they don't want to honor," Ferrara told Williams. "No one's holding out. It just takes a little time. We're actually on schedule.
So, I guess this thing is happening. And ovaries around our great nation wept as cans of Natty Light were sprayed in rejoice and the sounds of Spike TV twinkled in the distance. Because, you know, there has been such a huge gap in the entertainment for young white dude demo. It’s a good thing the Entourage movie is happening, the world needs more testosterone-fueled sausage parties and titty fests. Ugh.
The news of the film moving forward made me sad. Ever, ever so sad. Here are more reasons why I wished this film was never going to actually happen.
The Writing is Not Good Bad, Just Bad
Just imagine, with the Entourage movie, you’ll have 90-120 minutes worth of groan-inducing one-liners and scenes that beg for someone to lower their shades slowly. Hold on to your breakfast for lines like these:
"Call me Helen Keller because I'm a fucking miracle worker!" - Ari
"Turtle, if you can't get laid here, turn your dick in." - Drama at a Hollywood brothel
"It's like prom; you get your date a corsage and she gives you a hand job."- Shauna
"Who the fuck wants a hand job?" - Turtle
Women Want Money and Dicks LOL
The roles of women in Entourage include: Sexy girlfriends, Sexy women to cheat on girlfriends with, Sexy women to have sex with, Sexy wives to complain about, Sexless powerbitch bosses, Sexy chauffers, Sexy prostitutes...am I missing any here? So despite the fact that the guys are emotionally stunted and selfish jerkwads, they’re totally lovable because of all that money! I forgot, these guys are RICH. Silly woman brain of mine. UGH. Need further proof:
"You can have it if you want to live in Agoura fucking Hills and go to group therapy, but if you want a Beverly Hills mansion, a country club membership, and nine weeks a year in a Tuscan villa, then I'm gonna need to take a call when it comes in at noon on a motherfucking Wednesday!" - Ari to his wife
"So you come to me for advice. I'm gonna fucking cry. All right, here's what you do. You deal with talent the same way that you deal with women. You have to make them believe that they need you more then you need them." - Ari Gold, yet again
"'Cause I know all, and I could have told you that this would end badly. Now I gotta fire her so you don't feel weird." - Ari
"No. Don't fire her".- Eric
"All right. Well, I'll just sexually harass her until she quits." - Ari
Not Casual Racism, Just Straight Up Racism
In case you forgot, Lloyd is Chinese and Ari makes fun of his slanted eyes. ISN’T THAT HILARIOUS?
" Listen to me, Lloyd. Do you want to make it in this business or fold shirts at a Chinese laundromat?"
" Listen, Lloyd, I want you to put all my files, folders, binders, *everything* into a box! If you find a used condom, an executioner's mask, and a fucking spike paddle, don't think, just pack that bitch! Chop suey!" - Ari
More of Adrien Grenier Strutting like John Travolta
Leave it to the master. Also, no one believes that accent, “Mah.”
Bad For Women, Minorities, and yep GAYS
Don’t worry, Lloyd isn’t the only character whose sexual identity is at the end of low-brow homophobic writing. Just check out this little gem where Ari reminds Jeffrey Tembor that when he says he couldn’t pass as a gay Frenchman, IT’S A COMPLIMENT!
The whole Show Feels Like a Big Outdated Ad for Axe Body Spray
Money. Cars. Sex. Drugs. Booze. Emotional Suffocation. Evidence:
Vince: I think I'm getting married.
Billy: Come on, Vince.
Vince: I'm serious, I'm actually in love with this woman.
Drama: What was the sex that good?
Vince: Yes, but that's not it.
Turtle: It's either that or you're back on drugs.
Vince: I'm clearer than I've ever been.
Drama: Well did you drug her?
Oh good! A date rape joke thrown in at the end of that one. NICE JOB, WRITERS. Little did they know, Entourage was somehow spoofed by SNL years ahead of its inception
'Hug it Out' Will Come Back
Just you know, don’t hug for too long bro. NO HOMO. Ugh.
Boobies Boobies Everywhere and Not a Dick in Sight!
Sorry, Adrian, I couldn't here any of your lines through that pile of boobs on top of your face. No please, Drama, take that poor woman's nipple out of your mouth, we can't get any emotion when your face is smothered in breasts.
Wait, Hang On, I’m supposed to Care About these Assholes?
I guess at some points in the show's run, there were points I was supposed to care about a super rich actor and his scummy friends having sex around LA, driving expensive cars, and having a big Penis Parade. Well, I never did. And it's not that horrible people can't be lovable (It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, for example, is brilliant in its unapologetic nature). Quite frankly, when the show ended, I didn't care what happened to Vince or any of the guys. I guess some got married. Some became richer. Why do we even need a movie to continue the story we all already know?
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