Rent A Goat From Amazon Home Services For All Your Pasture-Trimming And General Adorableness Needs

Because this is the Internet and anything is possible, you can evidently now rent a goat from Amazon to tend your your brush and overgrown pastures (they even come with the added benefit of pooping everywhere to keep them fertilized). This is part of Amazon’s Home Services program whose aim may be to monopolize the handyman market like it has with self-publishing. No word yet on whether local goats will be unionizing in an effort to combat the system and ensure their existing customer base.

According to Amazon’s goat-pro homepage, potential renters will first be vetted by a professional who will determine if the sentient lawnmower is the best fit for your fix. “[Y]ou'll receive a recommendation for how many goats will be loaned to you,” says the page, “how long those goats will keep you company, and how often a pro will come check on them to make sure they're not attempting any fancy tricks to break free from the temporary fencing that will be placed around them.” Can you imagine why these temporary goats may want to break free of their restrictive fence posts? Perhaps they’re tired of being passed around like portable weed whackers. Maybe, I don’t know.

One thing I learned from the rent-a-goat program is that they’re actually incredibly good for cleaning up vegetation that may be “harmful to humans,” i.e. poison ivy, poison sumac, and poison oak. What I gathered from entering my zip code is that the goat program is not currently available in the Brooklyn borough. So it appears those of us in metropolitan cities are stuck mowing our own imaginary lawns for now.

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