Who You Are When You're Grocery Shopping Vs. Who You Are When You're Hungry And Standing In Your Kitchen

It's not a bad idea to work on constant self-improvement, even if that involves the occasional white lie to kick you into motion. We don't just lie to other people, either. We lie to ourselves all the time. We lie to ourselves before first dates when we blissfully believe that this date will somehow be different. I, for one, regularly lie to myself about feelings on the gym and exercise in general. ("Running gives you a HIGH!" actually means "Running gives you PROBLEMS BREATHING!") However, we lie to ourselves nowhere more than we do at the grocery store.

While grocery shopping, we pretend to be people we are not: the kind of person who has the patience to soak and de-shell dry garbanzo beans before whipping up some homemade hummus. The kind of person who, after eight hours at work, still has the energy to spend an additional two tediously slicing and deseeding and broiling and whatever-ing a Pinterest-worthy meal for one. (Well, more like for 300, if you count your Instagram followers.) The kind of person who doesn't need a beer and is just as happy with a can of low-cal soda. Guys. These are not true assessments and we know this, in our hearts. The person who goes calmly grocery shopping is not the same person as the ravenous human crouched in your kitchen, fingering the dust from the bottom of a Cheez-Its box. Here's some notable comparisons:

At the grocery store:

"A-ha! Olives are classy adult things helpful for entertaining!"

"Maybe I'll even Amazon Prime a little crystal dish. DARLING PLAN. Or like, I don't know... martinis?"

At home:

"Olive brine is kinda like seasoning, right?"

Clearly, which is why it works as one half the components in a solid salad dressing. However, if you use it all up in lieu of actual, real vinegars, spices, etc., you'll find yourself with a jar o' shriveled olives. Remedy that quickly by eating them while leaning over the sink. Boom! That's a whole other meal, too!

At the grocery store:

"Buying dried beans instead will save me so much money."

Dried beans are a little bit cheaper than the canned ones, but the difference is so slight, you'd have to eat a looot of beans to make it worth it. However, you're at the grocery store and your brain is therefore not working properly. You might even talk yourself into the likelihood of making your own hummus! It's madness, really.

At home:

"These beans might make nice fillers for this new cat toy bean bag idea I have."

"OR JUGGLING!! I'll ponder this all while delighting in peanut butter as eaten with a spoon, aka, "lunch.""

At the grocery store:

"Gluten-free is real."

While in your cool, calm, collected grocery store alter-ego, you may find the patience and interest necessary to peruse ingredients and nutritional facts. My, how conscious you are, bb!

At home:

"I'd trade my left foot for an expired pizza bagel."

True, it's good to hold to your guns. Like, say, if you chose to abandon gluten for a real reason. However, if that isn't the case, you can't let your true self be fooled by the pious, ultimately false version of you strolling the grocer aisles. It's not a bad idea to keep a small handful of carb-loaded foods for times of panic. You'll be thankful you did.

At the grocery store:

"Buy one, get one free is thrift magic."

You can get two!! For the price of one!! Does no one else see this CLEAR MATH? Plus, you're basically stocking up and therefore a super hero.

At home:

"Why do I have so many cashews?"

Sometimes the BOGO thing can be super appealing and super worth it. But here's the tricky part: Make sure they're products you'll actually use like wine (this happens), boxes of pasta, or stuff that won't expire soon such as deodorant. Probably not cashews, but hey, I don't know your life.

At the grocery store:

"I am human Pinterest."

Your brain races with visions of gorgeous spreads you pinned while sleep-deprived and in the gyno waiting room two weeks ago. Surely that whole egg-in-an-avocado thing would make a seamless transition into real life, your Instagram feed, and eventually your stomach? SURELY.

At home:

*fries eggs*

*adds chunky DIY guac*

Hey, you did kinda make this, so... same thing. *Shrug*

At the grocery store:

"I'm just gonna skip the freezer aisle."

As if someone as fully formed in human perfection as you would need to defrost a meal. NOPE.

At home:

"Hello? Pizza Hut?"

It is what it is. We are who we are. Be smarter than the grocery store spell, y'all. I believe in you and your bread-buying powers. Do it for immediate future you, the one hangry and leaning over the sink while shoveling arid olives. You deserve better.

Images: forever5yearsold/Flickr; Giphy (12)