If you've secretly been in mourning ever since Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie's friendship was dramatically terminated, do I have a new pair of BFFs for you. One half set up a Pinterest parody of Hillary Clinton; the other was sued for allegedly throwing a porn star off a roof. Yup, it's just two like-minded individuals, Rand Paul and Dan Bilzerian, who have come together to forge a friendship for the ages.
Let's take a moment to imagine Rand Paul at the tail-end of 2016, sitting in the Oval Office, looking very pleased with himself. In walks Bilzerian, surrounded by an entourage of guns, half-naked women, and cats shaved to look like lions. "We did it, Rand," he says gruffly. Rand pulls his new vice-president into a warm embrace, cats and guns and all. This is our future, America. This is the future that Rand and Bilzerian - Randzerian? — have in mind for us. Maybe. Probably.
How did this come about, you ask? Well, nobody is sure, but it seems to have begun with Paul asking Bilzerian to teach him poker. An ex-SEAL trainee who quite literally makes a living from poker, Bilzerian is possibly the most renowned poker player on social media. And social media, of course, is a journey that pre-2016 Paul has hopped onto with vigor, hence his Snapchat and his Instagram and all the other pesky things the kids are doing these days.
Anyway, here's Randzerian playing a bit of poker in Rand's Snapchat story.
Then Bilzerian shared a photo of it in his Instagram, writing: "@Drrandpaul is a terrible liar, and likes guns which means, he will most likely make a good president#Bilzerian16 #LiarsPoker." He tagged the location "Campaign Office."
And then Bilzerian swings by the White House Correspondents' Dinner, which would be weird... unless Bilzerian was already in town, hanging out with his new best buds, Rand and Kelley Paul.
And then Bilzerian posted a photo of himself wearing a "Bilzerian 2016" shirt to Instagram: "It's been over 100 years since we had a president with a beard," he wrote. "Get a shirt and support the campaign at www.Bilzerian16.com."
That's not a joke, either. You can absolutely get those.
God help us.
Images: Instagram/Dan Bilzerian, Dan Bilzerian 2016