If only Tyrion Lannister had a Twitter, because his feed would be fire. There's a lot that goes down in King's Landing that proves that all that glitters is NOT gold — but when it comes to Tyrion, his life mostly consists of him just trying to party his way past his family's sad antics. From being the Hand of the King to being accused of murdering his nephew Joffrey Baratheon... to ACTUALLY killing his dad, Tywin Lannister, Tyrion's had a hell of a time lately. But even now, in his darkest, most bearded pit of despair, he's true to himself, and still manages to fling out some amazing comebacks and zingers. (And, remember when he slapped Joffrey Baratheon across the face? Give this man a spinoff already!)
Granted, so far in Season 5, we've seen him more worse for the wear, so his quips have more worrisome than clever (though there are still some great comebacks in the mix). "The future is shit, just like the past," he told Varys at one point, and I would agree with that.
But, getting to know Tyrion Lannister over the past four seasons has proved that almost any line that comes out of his mouth can be utilized as a comeback for many of life's situations. Here are some especially useful zingers:
"It's not easy being drunk all the time..."
This is a good one to have when you are trying to justify as noble getting that fourth whiskey sour... even though you have to work at 8 AM.
"One word, and I will bitch-slap you again."
I have a feeling that this is the most universally appealing — and, again, a choice comeback for Twitter especially, as it's under 140 characters and just biting enough. Or, maybe when your iPhone alarm won't stop going off, even though you definitely set it to silence instead of tapping snooze.
"As I said, I was young and stupid."
This is a very Drake-esque response to acknowledge that, yes, we have all been young and selfish, but we gotta make those mistakes. So, I'm sorry I made you pay for my uber car home.
"Look at all the fun we're having!"
When you are most definitely not having fun and you would like everyone to know you are drunk and uncomfortable and would rather be doing literally anything else. Filing your taxes... watching Modern Family reruns... anything.
I'm not questioning your honor, Lord Janos. I'm denying its existence.
Replace Lord Janos with anybody's name, and you basically have the Tyrion Lannister version of Paul Giamati's classic comeback in the film Happiness: "I am champagne, and you're shit." Effect greatly improved if you are drinking champagne when denying the existence of someone's honor. Cheers to you!
Tyrion (to Cersei): You love your children. It's your one redeeming quality; that and your cheekbones.
What's more classic than a backhanded compliment?
"I want to stand on top of the Wall and piss off the edge of the world."
Make this the title of my memoir, please. Only, I know I'll never write a memoir, so maybe I can just have this printed on some business cards so people won't be confused about my Tyrion Lannister personal brand?