Michael Fassbender Wants You To Stop Talking About His Penis
Michael Fassbender's penis has been getting a lot of press since its debut appearance in Shame, and, apparently, Fassbender is none too pleased about it. Fassbender told Elle he found all the penis talk to be rather sexist, in fact. After all, the actor said, if people were talking about an actress' vagina in a similar fashion, it would be deemed completely inappropriate. But that statement is fundamentally flawed, hesitant as I am to condone sexism of any sort. Would that really be different? And would we really find that inappropriate? Because we haven't before: The double standard of hotness in Hollywood is a long-established fact. We've discussed every wrinkle of nearly every woman's body.
Let it be said that when moviegoers are privy to female celebrities' boobs or vaginas, they do talk about them, mercilessly, and often in a less-than-flattering way. So the idea that an actress' crotch shot would go uncommented upon is utterly ludicrous. Where was Fassbender during the era when Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and Paris Hilton all insisted on exiting cars open-legged?
And just like these three female celebrities who showed off their private parts for photo ops, Fassbender voluntarily gave us a full frontal we'll never forget when he went nude for Shame. Any man of his, ahem, stature would know this was coming. So is it so wrong that we can't stop thinking about, posting about, and thinking about (I know said it twice, but I've been picturing Fassbender's penis for the entirety of this sentence) one of the best Hollywood penises we've seen since Jon Hamm's ham? Now, this might also be because I don't have a penis myself, but it's confusing as to why having basically the entire world talking about how fantastic your penis is would be so abrasive. I mean sure, it's embarrassing for Mom and Dad to see Tumblrs devoted entirely to their son's awesome junk, but Fassbender chose to go nude in Shame. And Hamm, who has gotten similarly irked by the amount of attention paid to his privates, can only blame his insistence on wearing tight-fitting pants. Sorry, but if you can't wear appropriate undergarments to contain the family jewels, we are bound to talk about them. They're called boxer briefs, bro — it ain't rocket science.
You don't see Jennifer Lopez complaining because her ass is famous worldwide, nor do you see Jennifer Lawrence complaining because everyone everywhere is in love with her. These women work their natural charms to their benefit, keeping it classy, but also playful. Male or female, celebrities are going to be objectified, fairly or unfairly. It's the sad truth about our consumption of media. But sex appeal can be a very powerful tool if used correctly, and heartthrob status never just goes away. (We're looking at you, 52-year-old Clooney.) So, we're sorry, Michael, but no matter what you do, the dick talk isn't going anywhere. So you might as well use it to your advantage.