6 Things To Say To A Partner Who Refuses Oral Sex

Lots of people love oral sex. Some of us prefer to give than receive, or vice versa. But what do we do when our partner is not willing to go there? There really is no one thing to say when your partner refuses to perform oral, says Dr. Laurie Bennett-Cook, a clinical sexologist. "If they refuse, there’s a reason behind it. So here goes the un-fun thing that most couples hate to do and that is …… to have a conversation about it!"

Seriously. Most partners are afraid to ask because none of us want to be informed that something about us isn’t appealing to the other, says Bennett-Cook. But if we don’t know, we can’t discuss possible compromises or solutions. "And on the other end, most partners don’t want to do or say anything that may hurt the feelings of somebody we care about. So stuck in that place – neither partner addresses issues with the other," says Bennett-Cook.

Bennett-Cook says some possible questions to ask include:

1. Did you have a bad experience in the past?

2. Is hygiene something that needs to be addressed?

3. Do you prefer a smooth surface? Hair down there?

4. Is there a compromise or something that can be done that would make oral sex pleasant?

5. Is oral sex just simply not something that turns you on?

"Keep in mind that as tough as this conversation may be to have, speak and listen in kindness. We grow closer to our partners when we allow ourselves to see through their lens," says Bennett-Cook.

Make them more comfortable

The best thing to do if your partner is uncomfortable with oral sex is to ease into oral by helping them become more comfortable and loosen up, says Marni Kinrys, a dating coach, author, and host of the “Ask Women” podcast. "Compliment their body, and start by kissing her neck slowly and telling her how good she tastes. Then work your way down her chest, across her belly, and back up to her mouth. Tell her that her body is turning you on. This will help relax her, so when you do go ‘down there,’ she won't tense up too much. When you do get down there, make sure to compliment on how she tastes and her scent, so her insecurities about those things can be put to rest. Then— rock her world!” says Kinrys.

Be willing to wait

“I experienced this before entering the adult industry with my fiancé, of all women!" says Moe “The Monster” Johnson, a male porn star. "She was shy, so I explained how oral sex is a just another way of expressing our love for each other. I feel true lovers should never be afraid to explore every part of each other’s bodies, and lovemaking has many forms. After two months she finally decided to try it, and yes, it was definitely worth the wait," says Johnson.

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