Have you hitchhiked south lately? How about auditioned the finger puppets? Tried rubbin' the nubbin'? I genuinely would not have realized these were meant to be terms for female masturbation, but apparently they are to someone. Terrifying, right? The truth is there aren't that many great English terms for female self-love. Which is probably I tend to just say I'm going to "have some private time" or "masturbate" or even "wank" thanks to too many years in the UK. And masturbating and words are two of my favorite things in the world, so why I haven't I come up with something better? The closest I get to a cute nickname is saying I'm "playing acoustic" if I opt to not use my vibrator. That's as good as I get, but it turns out others have been way more creative.
Most of them are not in English, but I think we should adopt them. Or maybe we should all copy Sweden and take suggests for a new term. So before your resort to "sich einen rubbeln" (something that sounds oh so German) here are some the best and worst from different countries and periods — they're all better than soaking the whisker biscuit...
1. Maritate, Latin
It literally means “to manipulate one’s vulva by hand; of females, to masturbate.” What I like about this is it derives from the word maritus, meaning husband. Basically our hand can do the husband's job...
2. Flicking the bean, English
Okay this one is a little cringey, but it's a classic. Except- flicking? Flicking? You're doing it wrong. So, so wrong.
3. Klittra, Swedish
After a contest to find a new term for female masturbation and make it less of a taboo, the people of Sweden came up with klittra. Oh wait, you say, that sounds kind of like clit! No, no, or does it sound like glitter? It's both, people. It's a combination of the Swedish words for clitoris and glitter so the Swedes win everything for forever.
4. Zìkuài, Chinese
This word works for men and female and translates literally to "private pleasure", which I like because it sounds so much classier and sweeter than how I actually do it.
5. Mata köttbävern, Swedish
If you wondered why the Swedish needed a new word, maybe it's because one slang they already had mean "to feed the meat beaver". The meat beaver. I will never stop shuddering.
6. Shiko Shiko Manzuri, Japanese
Firstly, it's amazing that this translates literally into "10,000 rubs". It's even better when paired with its male equivalent, senzuri, which means "a thousand rubs".
7. Ditalino, Italian
This is great because there's something onomatopoeic about it— ditalino, that sounds just like what my fingers are doing.
8. Malako, Greek
I like this one because, although the literally translation is "spoilt, well-used to luxuries of life", it can be used in loads of different ways, including a friendly insult like the British "wanker". And I like the idea of calling someone a masturbator in a friendly way.
9. Clitorize, Ancient Greek
This is perfect because it just is what it is: time to clitorize.
10. Jilling off, English
So I don't really use this one very often, but I like the sentiment so much that it deserves to be included. "Jack off? Pfffff. You should see how us Jills do it." We got this.