Between Mercury retrograde and Daylight Savings Time, I've been all sorts of discombobulated lately. I've needed something to center my life. Something that'd make me feel like all is right with the universe. Fortunately, that something will happen Monday night: Bravo's Vanderpump Rules will make its much-needed return. "Who needs this show?" you ask. "I do," I respond. "I do."
Few shows mean as much to me as Vanderpump Rules. I am so very invested in all of the drama, and I can't wait to catch up with my favorite cast of characters. I expect that Season 2 will give us even more Jax/Stassi B.S., judgey eyes from Tom/Kristen/Tom/Katie, and staff meetings led by the angelic Lisa Vanderpump. It's been a few months since Season 1 ended, so why not get ourselves up to speed? Let's recap how the season ended, revisit the best moments, and predict where Season 2 will take us.
WHERE SEASON 1 LEFT OFF
- Right after they got back together for the bazillionth time, Jax revealed that he did cheat on Stassi with another woman (and impregnated said woman). Not only had Jax lied to all of his coworkers and cast mates, but he lied to his therapist. So we, the viewers, started to believe him. No one lies to therapists, right? RIGHT?! He had all of us in the palm of his Abercrombie & Fitch hand. And then he dropped the truth grenade in Stassi's lap. HOW COULD YOU, JAX?!
- After a season of serious tension between the two, Stassi and Scheana became friends. This was a huge moment for the show/all reality television/mankind/history because Stassi relentlessly hated on Scheana throughout the season. You see, Stassi couldn't move past Scheana's involvement in the Brandi Glanville/Eddie Cibrian home-wreckage. It seemed as though the two ladies would never get along. Apparently, ANYTHING can happen.
- Jax claimed throughout the reunion that he's still in love with Stassi. And Lisa Vanderpump called Jax out for being an asshat.
- Jax admitted that he used Laura-Leigh to get under Stassi's skin. And Lisa Vanderpump called Jax out for being an asshat, part two.
- Stassi revealed that she dated Frank again after she and Jax broke up. And she said that Frank was a way better boyfriend than Jax ever was. Uh hate to break it to you, Stassi, but an acid rain cloud would be a better boyfriend than Jax.
- Katie and Kristen were vehemently anti-Stassi during the reunion. They were anti-Stassi throughout season one, so that wasn't a particularly exciting development.
BEST MOMENTS OF SEASON 1
- While visiting Las Vegas, some of the dudes ripped off their shirts in a parking lot to fight each other over Stassi. It was absolute pandemonium. Tom Sandoval, Frank, and Jax went topless and yelled for what felt like 45 minutes. Like, I don't even know if punches were thrown, because I was too busy laugh-weeping.
- Classic reality TV trope alert! Stassi threw a drink at Tom Schwartz's face. Hey, it was her birthday so she could throw drinks if she wanted to.
- Frank threatened a customer with an "atomic melvin." What's an atomic melvin? Oh, you know, when a wedgie is pulled over a person's head. Because he's 20-something going on 12, Frank told a customer he'd give him an over-the-head wedgie. Lisa VP fired Frank because duh.
- Laura-Leigh and Jax boned in an assortment of public restrooms. The pièce de résistance? When the dirty birds did the deed in the SUR bathroom! Lisa VP confronted them about it, they denied it, and they kept their jobs. Jax fessed up to it during the reunion and somehow remains employed. Oh, that's right! He's good television.
- Lisa VP and daughter Pandora had a heart-to-heart with Stassi. They told her to get her ish together, pronto. My heart went into overdrive during this scene. What an INTIMIDATING pair! If anyone can scare you straight, it's Lisa and Pandora. And as if they weren't enough, Giggy the Legend was there, too. The mere thought puts my stomach in knots.
- We ventured into the recording studio with Scheana. She recorded her song "What I Like." There was a lot of moaning and something the song producer called a "naughty giggle." It was perhaps the best recording studio session to happen on a Bravo show. After I watched it, I took 15 minutes to recuperate, and then wrote Andy Cohen a thank you letter.
- Tom Schwartz graced us with the following pearl: "I'm a mactor. That's a model/actor."
PREDICTIONS FOR SEASON 2
- Scheana will bless us with more music. She will release an album and it'll sweep the 2015 Grammys. I suppose the latter won't make it on this season, but I'm predicting it regardless.
- Katie and Kristen will slowly but surely fuse together and become one person.
- Lisa Vanderpump will have a second story built on top of SUR. In that second story, there will be a roller-coaster, a laser tag arena, and a wave pool. Lisa VP knows how important it is to be five steps ahead in the restaurant game, and a mini amusement park would be the way to go. Sexy Unique Restaurant? More like Sexy Unique Roller-coaster!
- The SUR employees' uniforms will swing toward the other end of the spectrum. No more barely-there bandana dresses. Why? Because Lisa VP loves a twist. Shatter all expectations! And what would shock diners and television audiences more than Scheana serving drinks in a quilted snowsuit?
- Jax and Stassi will get back together only to break up again. I know, I know. That one's a little "out there."