5 Stages Of Grief You Experience When Your Cat Watches You Have Sex, Because There Is Bribing And Crying Involved

Cats. They follow us all over the house, beg us for food (especially tuna) or milk, and lay across our laptops while we’re trying to write, so why not follow us to the bedroom, too? There’s even a whole Tumblr feed, devoted to cats watching you have sex. Are they perverts? Voyeurs? Curious? (People say that’s what killed them, right?)

Many people cannot live without their cats near them 24/7, as distracting as they are. Here, Kesha plays with some Humane Society kittens during an interview at Cosmopolitan, saying cats help influence her music. In this Vice article, writer Kat George describes a time when she was getting intimate with the guy she was dating—when she suddenly saw some cat eyes staring back at her. The guy laughed and said, “It’s OK. It’s just a cat. It doesn’t know what’s going on.” George differed—and I do, too. No matter why cats do it (jealousy—who is this other person on your lap?), it makes for very awkward bouts of sex and sexual acts for us humans. And, since we all know many people with cats (and date them, too), this issue is bound to happen to you at some point, as well.

You’re probably familiar with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’ five stages of grief from her book On Death and Dying. With my pets and others’, many thoughts and feelings have gone through my head when seeing their cute—yet suddenly creepy—little faces watching me and my boyfriend in bed (or wherever else we happen to be when the cat catches us getting frisky, so to speak, judging us with its piercing eyes and twitching whiskers).

1. Denial and Isolation

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While making out with your boyfriend, you think: "I can’t believe Catniss is in here again. (Yes, Catniss with a “C.”) I'm going to pretend this isn't happening..."

2. Anger

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Now, clothes are coming off: "I can’t believe Catniss is still in here!! Stop watching us, you little perv! Close those eyes!"

3. Bargaining

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More clothes coming off: (Sweetly) "Catniss, I’ll give you a dimebag of catnip if you go back to your cat condo... two dimebags?"

4. Depression

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Clothes off, you’re getting more into it, your face looks happy as you look up at your boyfriend lovingly... But, then you suddenly look sad when you spot The Cat in the corner, smiling mischievously, still watching, standing even closer now, perhaps getting ready to pounce: "I’m the worst cat mom ever! Catniss is like my child! What’s wrong with me?! She shouldn’t see this! Why does this always happen to me?!"

You begin to cry. Maybe sex-with-the-cat-watching is a bad idea. Your boyfriend kisses away your tears.

5. Acceptance

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You start to get into it again. "Fine, Catniss, you want to stay? (Just don’t get too close—those claws are sharp.) Then we’d better put on an amazing show. Honey, get the handcuffs... the leopard-print ones."

Images: Yo soy Mr. Angry/Flickr; (2-6) Giphy