The 15 Most Unrealistic Sex Scenes of 2013
Honesty time! I'm never not uncomfortable while watching a sex scene. That's just me and my story. I'm an immature prude. When it comes (nope. Nope. I'm going to leave that one alone) to sex in movies and television, I fight the juvenile urge to cover my eyes. Given my love of blue humor and jokes about genitalia, you'd think I'd be able to handle watching sex scenes. Not the case. I'm working on it. "Be less freaked out by movie/TV sex scenes" has been my New Year's Resolution for five years.
As much of a middle schooler as I can be about S-E-X, I am more than able to recognize a patently awkward sex scene. I can tell the difference between a run-of-the-mill sex scene and a balls-to-the-wall no pants dance scene, thank you very much. Trust me, there are TV and movie moments out there that don't sit right with even the chillest of viewers. Some of the following moments are uncomfy because of context, others because they are flat out difficult to watch. All of them make me blush.
Note: I fudged the lines a bit and included "simulated sex" and "masturbation" on this list. Please don't throw things at me!
'Game of Thrones'
Theon. Oh, Theon. What did you do to warrant such torture? Why are you locked up in a dungeon? Where did those two mysterious women come from? Why are they grinding all over you? Wait, did your captor just cut off your boner?! WHAT DID YOU DO TO THESE PEOPLE? (Please note: I am a causal GoT viewer. I never understand why anything happens on that show. This scene is no different.)
Ah, yes. The Spring Breakers pool threesome. How Showgirls-y! You don't see any bits or pieces, but it manages to be fairly graphic. Alien is a grody, grody character, so the skeeziness quotient of the scene is off the charts. No amount of chlorine can salvage things.
'American Horror Story: Coven'
Queenie, for lack of a more clinical description, tries to "voodoo-jerk a minotaur" (thank you, Bustle's Henning Fog). Masturbation isn't the crazy part. The minotaur is the crazy part. SHE WANTS TO JERK OFF A MINOTAUR.
'Masters of Sex'
Dr. William Masters, renowned sex expert, is actually terrible at sex. When he and Virginia go to pound town, he shows off his abilities (or brutal lack thereof). Virginia does not enjoy herself. It's a snorefest. What a sad "those who can't do, teach" moment. Eesh. As Bustle's own Alicia Lutes explained: "It's painful because the doctor, given his brilliance and over-thinking capacities as a man of science, cannot get out of his own head … and enjoy the animalistic art of fuckin'."
'The Vampire Diaries'
Hoping the trip will help Elena turn her emotion switch back on, Damon takes her to New York. They meet up with my favorite vampire, Rebekah, at a dive bar/rock club. During a show, Elena and Damon feed on a random concertgoer together. Rebekah joins in. Loads of eye contact happens. It's feed-sex. I suppose the uncomfortable part for me was the thought of being at a concert in real life and witnessing that display. P.D.A. is one thing, but feed-sex is on another level.
Perhaps one of the more controversial sex scenes (and overall scenes) of the year was between Adam and Natalia. Before the scene, Adam drinks. Adam is a recovering alcoholic, and the night takes a dark turn. He snaps, and more or less forces Natalia into doing some fairly degrading stuff. He tells her to crawl on her hands and knees through his workshop of an apartment (I hope she got her Tetanus shot), and then j-bombs on her chest. All of the action in the scene is hard to watch, but the non-consensual element makes it even worse.
This movie is about a pair of BFFs who sleep with each others' sons. The sex scenes themselves could be standard and not awkward, but nothing could make me forget that these BFFs are sleeping with each others' sons. That element alone must make any and all sex scenes in this movie uncomfortable to watch, right? Well, for me, at least. Perhaps I am too buttoned up. Credit where credit is due: The sons are of age.
When Ellen and her family are taken hostage, Brian (a.k.a. Jimmy Cooper from The O.C. ) is forced to pay Samantha, his mistress, a visit. Sandrine, one of the hostage squad members, chauffeurs Jimmy Cooper and stays in the car while he hooks up with Samantha. Sandrine actually listens in, to "keep tabs on him"/"be a pervert."
Image: Giovanni Rufino /Warner Bros
Hey, if you ever want to watch a human give a whale a handjob, this is the movie for you. (The actual message of the documentary is incredibly important! I don't mean to make light of it! I'm just a child who laughs at whale dongs!)
Image: Magnolia Pictures
Alright, alright. Don Jon and Barbara's amusing hallway dry hump session isn't horribly uncomfortable, but it is a bit racy. The grindin' sesh gets Don Jon to agree to meet Barbara's friends, meet her parents, and sign up for night school classes. Ya know, typical bedroom, er, hallway talk.
Image: Relativity Media/HitRecord Films
'Only God Forgives'
Julian hires a prostitute to masturbate in front of him while he's tied to a chair. Again, it isn't the masturbation that makes the audience uneasy. It's where Julian's mind takes him while he watches her. The dark corners of his psyche are disturbing as hell.
We don't get to see The Captain in action (which is probably for the best), but we do get to witness the aftermath of The Captain. Nick and Jess look like they saw a ghost. Good work with that one, Schmidt.
Sally walks in on Don getting freaky with their neighbor, Sylvia. Has the awkwardness hit you yet? No? Well, Don has his pants around his ankles. That image uncomfortable enough for you? No? How about both Don and Sylvia making eye contact with Sally. Starting to get to you? Don chases Sally through the apartment building. AND THEN, Don tells his teen daughter that he was "comforting" Sylvia. Pardon me while I pull off all of my fingernails.
Image: Michael Yarish/AMC
Jax and Laura-Leigh go on a sex tour of West Hollywood's public restrooms. All of it is too much for Germaphobe Rohwedder. The Bravo cameras didn't deter the pair from sneaking in and out of multiple bathroom stalls together. They even boinked in the SUR bathroom. What's the saying? Don't shit where you work? Don't eat where you shit? Don't bone in the workplace pottyroom?
Cameron Diaz's character, Malkina, has sex with a car. I've got nothing.
Image: 20th Century Fox