The Patriots' Website "Debunking" Deflategate Is Exhaustive & More Than A Little Hysterical

Open your eyes, people. Discover the truth that they don't want you to know about... Deflategate. Yup, days after the NFL handed down punishments for allegedly deflated footballs in the Super Bowl, the New England Patriots launched The Wells Report Context, a website that attempts to debunk league's investigation. Essentially, the Pats are Deflategate Truthers.

The Patriots tweeted an exhaustive annotation of a report by attorney Ted Wells that reported that the balls were under inflated, and that quarterback Tom Brady allegedly "more probable than not" knew about it. The site also has testimony from a Nobel Laureate and correspondence with key figures during the investigation.

From the Wells Report Context's intro:

The conclusions of the Wells Report are, at best, incomplete, incorrect and lack context. The Report dismisses the scientific explanation for the natural loss of psi of the Patriots footballs by inexplicably rejecting the Referee’s recollection of what gauge he used in his pregame inspection. Texts acknowledged to be attempts at humor and exaggeration are nevertheless interpreted as a plot to improperly deflate footballs, even though none of them refer to any such plot. There is no evidence that Tom Brady preferred footballs that were lower than 12.5 psi and no evidence anyone even thought that he did. All the extensive evidence which contradicts how the texts are interpreted by the investigators is simply dismissed as “not plausible.” Inconsistencies in logic and evidence are ignored.

Attorney Daniel Goldberg, who represented the Patriots during the investigation and was present for the interviews of Patriots personnel, prepared the screed — er, commentary — on the report. Did I mention that it is exhaustive? Seriously, it looks like the Pats are going (possibly deflated) balls out to prove their innocence.

Patriots owner Robert Kraft hinted that the team would take any punishment handed down by the NFL, but I guess a four-game suspension for Brady, $1 million fine and being stripped of first round draft picks sent him over the edge.

The annotation reads a lot like the ramblings of a deranged person, which means that it is full of gems. Here are a few of my favorites:

On going pee and deflating balls

According to the Wells report, Jim McNally, the Patriots employee accused of deflating balls before the game, took game balls with him to the bathroom. That seems pretty fishy, huh?. But don't worry, the Patriots are going to walk you through how long it takes to pee.

The report does not address whether one minute and 40 is consistent with the time that it takes a gentleman to enter a bathroom, relieve himself, wash his hands, and leave. In fact, it is. Nor does the report consider or acknowledge that, with the start of the game having been delayed, there was no reason for Mr. McNally to rush any efforts to deflate footballs in the bathroom if that was the task at hand.

Explaining "the deflator" nickname

McNally also earned the nickname "the deflator," which was discovered in the investigation. But y'all, he wasn't deflating balls! He was deflating himself.

Mr. Jastremski would sometimes work out and bulk up — he is a slender guy and his goal was to get to 200 pounds. Mr. McNally is a big fellow and had the opposite goal: to lose weight. “Deflate” was a term they used to refer to losing weight. One can specifically see this use of the term in a Nov. 30, 2014 text from Mr. McNally to Mr. Jastremski: “deflate and give somebody that jacket.” (p. 87). This banter, and Mr. McNally’s goal of losing weight, meant Mr. McNally was the “deflator.”

Patriots employees might all be frat boys

The annotation included texts between McNally and the other alleged deflator, John Jastremski. They sound like the absolute worst.

12:21:46: JM “Whats up dorito dink”12:22:53: JJ “Nada”12:22:53: JM “Whens the pong party….im on fire”12:23:10: JJ “Omg”12:23:34: JM “Bring it”16:29:48: JM “You still with your women”16:29:59: JJ “Yup”16:33:21: JM “You must have her [omitted out of respect to Mrs. Jastremski]”16:34:39: JM “You must have a picture of her [omitted out of respect to Mrs. Jastremski]”16:36:31: JJ “Omg”

Images: Getty Images, The Wells Report