"Convince Her To Get Bigger Breasts" Is A Book That Actually Exists, And I Want To Write A Companion Manual Called "So You're Dating A Sociopath"

I swear to God, my lovely and talented editor is trying to kill me. Because she sends me these rage-inducing stories just about every day, and every day that she does so, my head comes close to exploding. (Editor's note: Not sorry.) Take, for example, this one featured on Cosmo's website about Ivan LeClasque, who wrote a book called Convince Her To Get Bigger Breasts. I'll let that marinate for a minute before I tell you that there's a whole website devoted to the "cause" of trying to persuade the lady in your life to get larger jugs—and that website is called buy.implants4her.com. Yup.

LeCasque even has a term for "your campaign to sell the woman in your life on the concept of bigger breasts and becoming your living fantasy": a Breast Quest. Look, I don't know about you ladies, but my body exists solely to give the man in my life a boner. That's what it's here for! I mean, it's not enough that I'm committed to my husband, have tied my life to his, and bore our children; If I'm not actively working toward being his living fantasy, well, can that really be called a relationship? Can I really be called a woman? The answer is a resounding "NO" according to Mr. LeClasque and his boob-pushing followers.

"Marriages have been saved by The Convince Her Manual, and new careers in acting and modeling have been launched. And many men are much, much happier," claims the website. How very fitting that the happiness of the men is featured so prominently but the happiness of the women actually having surgery isn't mentioned. There's also a whole section on "Total Confidentiality" that assures interested douchebags that the $17 book will be sent via email, so your Living Fantasy Candidate won't find it lying around. Also included in the Confidentiality section is the following

We are also now writing an introduction called, "If you just found this..." aimed at the wife or girlfriend, just in case she opens your computer and finds The Manual. It explains that you are doing this because you want to take the relationship to a new and exciting level, and that the ONLY busty woman you want to have a wild affair with is HER. In fact, we suggest she play along: just act like she knows nothing of what is happening and enjoy the ride.

Monsieur LeCasque, you can go on about saved marriages and the illusion of this being mutually awesome for both parties, but if you feel the need to have a whole section on how to keep this from the person you are trying to convince to undergo surgery, then you have to know you're basically a sociopath.

But really, is there a single image that sums up the level of creepy entitlement that oozes from every aspect of this whole endeavor better than the slogan: "Don't you deserve it?" Depends on what you mean by "it." Let's talk about things people do and don't deserve.

Things all people deserve:

  • To have their choices about their own bodies respected and unquestioned

Things nobody deserves:

  • To have their partner try to talk them out of or into decisions they have made about their own body in order to fulfill that partner's fantasies

Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.

Images: Getty Images; Giphy