Drunk sex is simultaneously one of life's greatest joys and greatest struggles. On the one hand, alcohol can act as a social lubricant, making you less inhibited, more relaxed, and ideally, more able to enjoy the awesome sensations that come with sex. On the other hand, alcohol can affect your libido and make you a little sloppier than usual in the bedroom. Drunk sex is really hit or miss, and it's easy to make a mess out of what could have been a sexy, fun time for all.
While Drunk You At A Dive Bar might be totally into the guy across the room burning holes in you with his bedroom eyes, Drunk You Actually In Bed might be a little distracted by the liquor coursing through your veins. You might have gone out in your freakum dress with every intention of getting laid, but when the night is drawing to a close and you're in an Uber back to your place with a sexy man or lady-friend in tow, it can take all your remaining energy to keep your composure long enough to do the deed. (Also, consent is sexy, so if you've been drinking, be sure you and your partner are coherent enough to verbally express your desire to get it on safely and with mutual respect.)
If you've got booze in your system, there's probably a lot racing through your mind that really complicates the physical act of doing the nasty. Here are 17 excerpts from the inner monologue of a drunk lovemaker — here's hoping you have a much sexier time than this.
1. "Does my breath still smell like those four Jägerbombs I took?"
2. "I'm hungry. Is he hungry? I wonder if he'd be mad if I asked him to go to McDonald's with me."
3. "I knew I shouldn't have worn Spanx."
4. "Are hiccups sexy? I think I'm getting the hiccups."
5. *Prays to every god I know the name of that I don't throw up on his dick*
6. "I'm like, the Queen of Oral Sex right now. I should use teeth, that would be hot and unexpected."
7. "OK, nevermind. No teeth. Note to self: No teeth ever."
8. "It's really thoughtful of him to go down on me after I just used teeth. Actually, we're drunk, so maybe he already forgot?"
9. "Alright, the whole oral thing didn't really work. Let's just move onto intercourse before my vagina dries up."
10. *Trips and falls on my way to get a condom from my purse*
11. "Do you think he saw that? Definitely not, right?"
12. *Experiences brief, shining moment of happiness while having mediocre drunk sex*
13. "Is his dick small or is my vagina big?"
14. "Oh, is it getting soft? OK, be cool. Be supportive. Don't look disappointed."
15. "This is probably for the best, I was getting tired anyway."
16. "Oh he's snoring. Shit."
17. "Will I be too hungover for morning sex? God, I hope not."
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