Buzzfeed's video of adults eating the weird, non-toxic stuff they ate as kids really brings me back. When I was a about 7 years old, two of my friends decided to have a contest to see who loved Michael Egan the most. (For those of you not in the know: Back in 2nd grade, Michael Egan had the universal appeal, popularity, and good looks of Top Gun-era Tom Cruise. Personally I was #TeamMatthewVanAntwerp at the time, but even I could recognize Michael's swagger.) They felt the best way to demonstrate their love was to eat dry cat food. So they did, piece by piece, for about an hour as I watched on in silent, paralyzed horror. After a while, I realized that Michael Egan had ceased to matter and these two were just eating cat food because they liked it like a pair of weirdos, and I was weirder still because I could not look away despite the fact that I wanted to throw up.
But when it comes down to it, kids are weird as hell and they eat bizarre things. We literally couldn't take my son out of the house between the ages of, like, 6 and 15 months because absolutely everything in nature went into his mouth. He would run to mulch like a junkie to his next fix, feverishly dodging our outstreched arms to dive for wood pulp and dig in. My daughter thinks our sand box is a buffet and I'm just some jerk trying to starve her. I have a friend who ate mothballs (not recommended, since they're toxic) and to this day, the smell takes her back. One of my brothers licked magnets (in his defense, they were shaped like actual food); another ate lemon peels.
Me? I didn't eat weird stuff. Y'all are freaks. #sorrynotsorry #judgingyouall #onmyhighhorse
The video below is amusing with one exception: the woman eating cat food is terrifying. Maybe that's just the Michael Egan-related PTSD talking, but she is downright bubbly about noshing on Friskys. Girl, call me. I'll take you out for pizza and we can talk about what's going on with the cat food.