Sure, champagne seemed like a great idea last night. It was a special occasion, right? After all, you are 14th in line to the throne of Monaco, and it is your royal duty to attend many galas. Or, perhaps it was just a Wednesday night in New York City, and you were feeling invincible because you paid rent early and your new allergy meds just started kicking in. "I simply love champagne!" you shrieked to your friends over the soft strumming of harp at the Opéra de Monte-Carlo, or melodious beats of DJ Dubjamz at some dive bar in Bushwick.
Miraculously, you made it home via horse-drawn carriage or UberX. "What a night," you sighed to yourself as you sank gracefully into bed, removing neither your makeup nor your shoes. Eight hours later, though — when those cruel bubbles are exacting their revenge upon your royal or peasant body — that's when the real emotional journey begins.
As you wallow in the aftermath of dubious choices, plagued by remorse and wishing you had had the foresight to stock up on ibuprofen and Gatorade, you may identify with these famous words from classic books. The following literary quotes describe the nine stages of a most regrettable hangover...
“I cannot make you understand. I cannot make anyone understand what is happening inside me. I cannot even explain it to myself.”
—The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka
It is 11 a.m. and, for a moment, you cannot remember your own name. What have you done?
"'Hateful day when I received life!' I exclaimed in agony."
—Frankenstein by Mary Shelley
The headache sets in.
“I may not be as strong as I think, [...] but I know many tricks and I have resolution.”
—The Old Man and the Sea by Ernest Hemingway
Moments later, as you struggle to pull yourself out of bed, you suddenly remember that — miracle of miracles — you do have a backup bottle of Gatorade in the fridge.
"Pass the damn ham, please."
—To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
Hydration: complete. Only greasy food can save you now!
“I've lived too long with pain. I won't know who I am without it.”
—Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card
Strength and vitality are but distant memories.
“Time will mellow it, make it a moment for laughter. But now it was not funny, now I did not laugh. It was not the future, it was the present. It was too vivid and too real.”
—Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier
Your friends are having a fantastic time texting you observations like, "I bet you feel GREAT this morning," accompanied by emojis that look like devils. Your friends are terrible.
“It ended by my almost believing (perhaps actually believing) that this was perhaps my normal condition. But at first, in the beginning, what agonies I endured in that struggle!"
—Notes from the Underground by Fyodor Dostoyevsky
At this point, you vow to never touch champagne again.
“We can never go back again, that much is certain."
—Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier
It's safe to assume that you should also never return to [insert establishment you visited last night].
"'I am not an angel,' I asserted; 'and I will not be one till I die: I will be myself.'"
—Jane Eyre by Charlotte Brontë
Until next time...
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