Christina Aguilera's "Your Body" — the lead offering from her last studio album, Lotus — doesn't get the recognition it deserves. Sadly, the Max Martin and Shellback–produced track wasn't a hit (it peaked at No. 34 on the Billboard Hot 100 chart when it was released back in September 2012), but I think it's one of the 34-year-old singer's best singles to date. Not only is it incredibly catchy, it's also chock full of that sassy "Xtina" attitude we've all come to know and love. Oh, and the "Your Body" music video is pretty great, too. Well, it's not great great. It's great in a "what the f@#$ did I just watch?!" kind of way (which is my favorite kind of way, btw).
The concept behind the colorful clip is simple: Aguilera is a serial killer.
Wait, what? I'm serious: Over the course of the four-minute clip, the former Mouseketeer offs three unsuspecting men after getting sexy with them. What did they do to deserve such a fate? I'm not really sure. I guess Legend X just has a thirst for blood?
Let's take a look at 16 of the best and weirdest moments from Christina Aguilera's "Your Body" music video:
We Need To Talk About Oranum
Aguilera just starts talking to this guy named "Oranum" on her 25-year-old fossil computer out of nowhere like it's totally normal! Like, who is he? Where is he? Why is he? I demand answers. (According to The Hollywood Reporter, he is/was a real psychic named Laszlo Czero. The online psychic network he works/worked for is actually called Oranum. So weird.)
The Product Placement For This Fake Cereal
I'd rather have some Cinnamon Toast Crunch or something, but do you.
Our First Clue
Aguilera takes SICK pleasure in watching a cartoon wolf almost get stabbed to death by a million knives. Could she possibly be a *GASP* murderer?? This is our first clue.
This Dude Needs To Work On His Stamina, TBH
This dude who picks Aguilera up on the side of the road can only make out with her for, like, five seconds before he needs to stop and take a nap. What kind of severe iron deficiency?
But Why, Xtina?
Once Aguilera is sure he's asleep, she douses his car with gasoline and lights a match. KABOOM! But why, Xtina? Why? The world may never know.
Makin' Whoopee On Top Of A Stinky Toilet
After catching his eye from across the room, Aguilera lures her second victim into the men's bathroom at a dive bar so that they can GET. IT. ON. Really? Look, I know she has a "dirrty" side, but I also know that that bathroom smells like pee, cigarettes, and elephant farts. It's just simply not fit for romance.
Obviously, after they've finished doing the deed, Aguilera kills this fella dead. Strangely, his blood is... blue? Fascinating. He was almost certainly an alien, so it was probably a good thing she took him out.
Victim #3 — a gas station attendant — is also talking to Oranum! He's everywhere. Aguilera convinces this dope to follow her to a motel.
Hot tip: Don't get into a tanning bed with all of your clothes on. On second thought, just don't get into a tanning bed, period.
It's All Fun & Games Until There's A Glitter Explosion
At the motel, everything's going juuust fine, until...
Wait, what's that bat for? (Additionally... where were you hiding it??)
BAM! Pink glitter everywhere. Damn. I guess he was an alien, too! We need Will Smith up in here.
Aguilera's taking a shower in his blood and she's LOVING every second of it. Different strokes for different folks, I suppose.
Her Urkel Moment
Her 'Dexter' Moment
Yup, Aguilera's definitely got a "Dark Passenger."
And Now, Here's Lucille Ball For Some Reason
Before the video ends, Aguilera really wants us to know that she loves Lucy. Cool. Me too.
Images: CAguileraVEVO/YouTube (17); Alex Kritselis/Bustle