When I first became inducted into the smartphone world (a bit tardy, TBH, this was circa 2012), I was amazed, sure. But the most important development it introduced to my life was a brand new, highly effective language in which I could now finally communicate in precise, graphic terms my (trust me) incredibly complex thoughts and contributions. Goddess bless Emojis—seriously. Especially now, considering the freshly rolled out diverse Emojis. They're not done there! Next year, 38 new Emojis descend to our mortal phones and they are poised to be truly spectacular.
I feel like you don't definitively know a person until you learn their own secret double meanings to Emoji. Everyone's keen to the whole eggplant means penis one so that doesn't count. The more nuanced, the more in tune you gotta be with a fellow human to actually comprehend. And sometimes it's even deeper than surface double meaning. For example, during my single days, I'd regularly meet unwanted romantic/sexual pursuits with a single dolphin Emoji. These dudes didn't get it, but my friends on the receiving end of the screen captures certainly did, and it provided endless hilarity for us at least (thanks again for that, dudes).
Here is a sampling of next year's emojis:
What kind of secret meanings can we apply to this new crop of Emojis? I take a stab with the full list below:
Face with cowboy hat
Dustin Hoffman, literally.
Someone who regularly cracks jokes and won't stop until someone laughs even if it is a thinly-veiled courtesy laugh.
Pre-, mid-, or post-gym feels.
Rolling on the floor laughing
"I want nachos."
"You should dump me."
"Call me" hand
A gesture to highlight how old we've all become, because I cannot imagine how ::rolling on the floor laughing:: we could still understand what this means.
Synonym to ::rolling on the floor laughing::. Also could mean any number of exes.
To note a specifically fantastic rear end.
"HEY YOU TO THE LEFT."
"HEY YOU TO THE RIGHT."
An acquantaince who will never know this code.
Hand with first and index finger crossed
"I don't care what happens next or ever."
Post-Chipotle feels, regardless of gender identity.
"I actually care a lot what happens next and in the general future."
A dude who's better as a dance partner than a bed or life partner.
Man in tuxedo
"I don't know please let me go back to sleep."
"Yo, I just got super laid so don't expect to hear back from me for the next half-day or so."
"I don't respect that person."
"I want to befriend that person because of their motorscooter exclusively."
"You're late and I'm mad."
"Surprise! Yours is O'Douls!"
Someone who takes themselves overly seriously.
"I am in actual, forever love with you."
Penis with positive qualities; "a good one."
"Remember sunscreen is important!"
"I should vote for a healthy dinner option but I'm not going to."
Penis with questionable qualities; "not sure yet".
Hunger Games trilogy.
Patriotic only in fashion sense; Springsteen fans.
Someone with good hair only.
::rolling on the floor laughing:: in a temporary goth phase.
A person who excels specifically at cunnilingus.