How To Avoid Obvious Plastic Surgery Mistakes

Heidi Montag of The Hills and douchebaggy husband fame has officially started on the long and arduous road back to normality. Heidi Montag got a boob reduction, taking her from an F cup to a C cup to counteract the insane breast augmentation surgery she had back in 2010. Lest you forget, this is only one of 10 surgeries she underwent in a day, transforming her from beachy beauty to Playboy bunny in just 24 hours.

But as it turns out, attempting to perch "bowling balls" on a petite frame is not comfortable (big breasted ladies, let's all silently mutter a collective "I told you so" under our breath and get it over with), so Montag is down to the boob size she was before her second augmentation. And yes, I did mean second, those poor tired boobs started out as an A-cup before all the plastic surgery hullaballoo started.

Which makes me wonder how celebrities consider plastic surgery. I mean, it'd be hard to decide whether or not to alter your looks when your closest council are usually on the payroll, and you work almost exclusively based on looks (perhaps with a bit of talent thrown in), but still. Some plastic surgery mistakes seems fairly obvious, so obvious that we can name a few, and god knows we're not doctors.

So here's a simple list, just ideas to consider if you happen to be a celebrity who is considering getting work done. We want to help you help yourself, so ya know, read on and get edumacated.

Essential Rules For Plastic Surgery

1) Fake boobs generally do look fake. You can try and tell us that you "naturally" went from an A to a B cup at 25, but we're not buying it. Also real boobs don't sit underneath your clavicle, sorrryyyyy.

2) Face work can be subtle, but if you were a celebrity before the surgery, understand there are literally thousands of photos that attest to the fact that something is different. Yeah ok, puberty does a lot of things but there are certain things it just can't do, pal. Especially when you're 32.

3) Don't even bother saying your rhinoplasty was due to a deviated septum. Deviated septum my ass.

4) We know that celebrities age just like normal people do. OK yes, surviving solely on kale and spring water like Jennifer Aniston probably keeps you looking right and tight for a few years longer, but not infinitely longer. The jig is up when at 65 you have breasts as high and perky as the day you bought them.

5) There is literally no excuse for assplants ever. EVER. Unless you're Nicki Minaj, but that's only because she can do anything.

6) Given that celebrities often have to act, it's probably useful to be able to move your forehead. Nicole Kidman, here's looking at you, kid.

7) Jack Nicholson's famous eyebrows are meant to be CREEPY, not youthful. Even if your surgeon disagrees. Ironic eyebrows do not youth entail. Just think about Zsa Zsa Gabor for a minute and reconsider.