'Hunger Games' Theme Park Will Be the Scariest, Most Awesome Thing In the World

While watching the Catching Fire trailer, I couldn't stop thinking, "this would make a fantastic theme park! It's so cheery and light-hearted and cutesy. I would love to hug a human who was dressed like President Snow!" Oh, wait. None of those thoughts happened. I'm a big fan of the trilogy, but I was surprised to read that The Hunger Games may inspire an amusement park. Hmm. Rides and attractions based on a dystopian society where children are pitted against one another for sport? Would the "theme" part of "theme park" be mortality? 

If the HG theme park does happen, 1) I'll be there with bells on (my fandom knows no limits), and 2) I hope it isn't too much like the books. Accuracy is one thing, but recreating The Cornucopia bloodbath might take the "amusement" out of the amusement park. It'd scar you for life, physically and emotionally. Here are some other HG elements the park should avoid:

FOOD SHORTAGE

All I ask is that the concession stands be fully stocked. Please don't make me hunt squirrels for lunch. And as much as I adore Greasy Sae, the park should steer clear of using her soup recipe.

 

Districts Separated by Electric Fences

The theme park should feature the 13 Districts of Panem. That's a given. However, if the park is separated into 13 parts, it'd be a step too far to divide each District by electric, barbed wire fences. AND it'd be difficult to get your money's worth if you were stuck in one District.

AVOXES AS PARK EMPLOYEES

Not only would the "tongue cut out" part be horrific, but the "no communication whatsoever" part would make their jobs insanely difficult. I don't know how they'd give ride safety instructions. See? It would complicate things.

JABBERJAYS

Holy crap. A bunch of birds mimicking the sounds people make while on roller-coasters. That's some kind of hell. So obnoxious. 

MAKE WATER HARD TO FIND

When spending a day at a theme park, hydration is crucial. Hopefully, water is more accessible at the HG park than it was during Katniss's first games.

TRACKER JACKERS

Nope. Not interested in getting stung by one of those jerks. I'm allergic to ants, so I can only imagine what tracker jacker venom would do to me. Oh right, the hallucinations part would be pretty gnarly, too.

 

NIGHTLOCK BERRIES

Yeah, we get it. They were used to save Peeta and Katniss's lives. They are very significant. But they're also super poisonous. Nightlock berries would be too much of a liability. A park guest might get hungry while waiting in line for a ride, see the berries, and think they'd make a nice snack. Too risky.

HOST ACTUAL HUNGER GAMES

One time, I went to the Fear Factor live show at Universal Studios. I watched random audience members drink a blended concoction of insects, sour milk, and meat. I felt like I was witnessing a murder. You know what's worse than people drinking vomit-worthy blended concoctions? Actual murder. So no, I don't think the HG park should include a Games-inspired battle-to-the-death show. What is this, Ancient Rome?

 

So what should the park include? Eh, I wouldn't be opposed to a "Get Your Makeup Done Like a  Capitol Citizen and Take a Picture with Effie Trinket" attraction. That would be neat. 

Images: Lionsgate, Fanpop/Tumblr

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