I've signed a few online petitions in my day. I like to think that my e-signature saved many dolphins. One online petition I will not support? The "BEYONCE CANNOT ATTEND KIM KARDASHIAN'S WEDDING" Change.org petition. Sorry about the caps-lock. It wasn't me, it was the petitioner. Petition writer John Barry and the petition signers are stressing on Beyoncé's behalf. Apparently, if Beyoncé goes to Kim Kardashian and Kanye West's wedding, it'll be the end of days or something. I don't get it.
The petition is downright NASTY. Here's a taste of the venom:
Kim Kardashian and her disgusting family are known for their rise to fame for doing absolutely nothing.
Aside from being a famous whore Kim has decided to get knocked up by notorious jackass Kanye West and now are planning to get married.
Beyonce should not be forced to go and sit through that torture while surrounded by the Kardashian pigs.
Jeez. Who pooped in your Corn Flakes, John Barry? And those excuses you suggested Bey use? Come on. Kardashian could do a quick web search and find out she's lying. Plus, Beyoncé is perfect, and perfection doesn't lie. PLUS, maybe Beyoncé wants to go. Ever think about that, John Barry? Maybe Beyoncé likes the Kardashians. How does that grab you, John Barry?
If (if!) Beyoncé were to skip out on the Kardashian/West wedding, I think the convo would go a little something like this:
(Beyoncé and Kim sit down at a cafe table. The server sets two glasses of water on the table. Beyoncé takes a sip.)
Kim: Wow. I, like, love this cafe. It's so cute.
Beyoncé: I can't tell if you're being genuine or sarcastic. I can never read your tone.
Kim: I love this cafe, BIBLE.
Beyoncé: I don't… okay. I've got to talk to you about something.
Kim: Are 'Ye and Jay going to record another album together? I would love that. You and I could sing on it!
Beyoncé: Again, can't tell if you're being real. Was that a "bible" thing?
Kim: I love hanging out with you. You're so funny.
Beyoncé: Right. So. I'm just going to come out and say it: I won't be going to your wedding.
Kim: Shut up.
Beyoncé: Excuse me?
Kim: You have to go to my wedding! Don't be mean.
Beyoncé: I really don't have to go. I don't have to do anything I don't want to do.
Kim: Why don't you want to go?
Beyoncé: Not really my scene.
Kim: What? It's a wedding... Everyone will be there.
Beyoncé: I'm just so exhausted right now. I need some "me time." Some "Bey time." Can I send Solange in my place? She's fun. She'll have a good time.
Kim: I was going to invite Solange, too. I thought we were friends.
Beyoncé: Fine. FINE. I'll be at your wedding. But E! can't film me.
Kim: Never mind. You don't have to go.
Beyoncé: Cool. See you next Thursday for chili night?
(Beyoncé and Kim leave a few dollars on the table for the water. They hug before exiting the cafe.)
Beyoncé: No hard feelings?
Kim: No hard feelings. My mom might call you, though. She's very persuasive.