Have you ever wished that you could just give up on dating and simply build the perfect man? And have you ever wished that the girls from The Sisterhood of The Traveling Pants could be there to make sure he's really perfect (and that he's working with a huge, er, appendage)? And that you could use a weird '80s computer-that-is-sitting-there-for-some-reason to hack into the Pentagon Mainframe? Well, you have really weird hopes and dreams, but Inside Amy Schumer has a Weird Science -Perfect Man video for you.
The sketch opens with an abortion joke and closes with a glob man with a perfect penis — a product of Amy and Co's perfect planning — as only an Inside Amy sketch could. But beyond the excitement of seeing half of the Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants back together again, the truly exciting thing about this sketch is the rapid fire one-liners we get in such a short amount of time. We've all got our own sets of ridiculous "perfect man" checklists, but after seeing this bit, I have a feeling we're all going to be backing off of them real soon. Well, unless we really can swoon a la Amber Tamblyn over the congealed pile of goo that these ladies' weird science actually creates.
If you're still trying to build your perfect man, just chew on these "perfect" qualities for a moment:
1. “He loves his mom." "But she’s dead." "And he’s so over it.”
2. "He's evolved, but if someone even looks at me slightly wrong he just like flies into a violent rage."
3. "He has money, but he’s like self made, he’s got his own thing."
4. "Respects my independence but doesn’t let me pay for anything."
5. "Huge c**k, no balls."
6. "Why can’t I just have a guy who can listen to my dreams and f**k me like an ex con?"
7. "What's so wrong with wanting someone with a Pope Francis-like soul, Hugh Jackman arms, and a d**k that causes heartburn?"
Bonus: America Ferrara's suggestion that he have "Horse of C**k"
Please God, never change, Amy Schumer.
Image: Comedy Central; Giphy (7)