Jon Stewart Reenacts The FIFA Sting Operation That Took 24 Years To Complete & His Impersonations Are Flawless
Soccer fans around the world were shaken, if not shocked, by the massive arrest operation that indicted 14 FIFA officials on charges of corruption. According to prosecutors, these FIFA officials allegedly engaged in decades of racketeering and bribery, to the tune of $150 million, in deciding where tournaments would be held, who would televise them, and who would run the organization. In other words, FIFA has long been accused and has now been indicted of some abhorrent behavior. So, naturally, Jon Stewart had a few words to say on the subject. On Wednesday night's episode of The Daily Show, Jon Stewart ripped into FIFA, comparing them to another notoriously corrupt organization.
For the segment, Stewart explains the FIFA scandal in a way that might be more relevant to American audiences, who, judging by the three people in his audience who cheered at the word "soccer," might not care that much about the sport.
American soccer fans have stood by while the media obsesses over other sports crimes and scandals. Well now, finally, soccer is getting its perp walk.
Stewart showed clips of the officials being escorted out of the luxury Baur au Lac hotel by Swiss authorities.
Swiss authorities. FIFA is so bad they got arrested by the Swiss. A country whose official policy on Nazi gold was, and I quote, "We'll allow it."
And for those who haven't caught up with the scandal, Stewart reveals exactly why they were arrested and how they've been so bad.
So what did the FIFA guys do? Please don't say the balls were underinflated. [Crosses fingers] Because that would be a real crime.
In a series of clips, the various charges are named in rapid fire — "fraud and bribery, scheming to buy votes in FIFA's 2010 presidential election, getting kickbacks for sponsorship rights, for television rights, for cities being awarded tournaments, and so on."
You know you're corrupt when the indictment ends with "and so on."
Another clip reveals that FIFA's shady dealings have allegedly been going on for 24 years.
A 24-year scheme. To put that in perspective, this FIFA corruption started Jennifer Lawrence ago.
Baffled by how long it took for the authorities to arrest and indict FIFA officials, Stewart then plays his imagined one-man sting operation, titled "FIFA: A 24 Year Sting Operation."
After picking up a conversation about the bribes on the wire tap, Stewart says, "It's hammer time. Let's move in." But his superiors want him to wait.
Now he's got "solid racketeering evidence."
These temple pilots are as good as stoned.
But, again, the higher-ups don't want to arrest them yet.
I don't know when we're going to arrest the FIFA guys, but one thing I do know: The Rachel is timeless.
You'd think that a 12-year time jump would have given us enough evidence of corruption, but in 2010 ... uh ... I love Taylor Swift.
Move in ... Jerry? Jerry? Jerry! Noooooo!
But all jokes and one-man sting operation aside, Stewart delves deeper into FIFA's indictment and why the U.S. was involved. For one thing, many of the alleged illegal operations were prepared in the U.S. and the payments were carried out by U.S. banks.
You know, Americans may not watch much soccer, but we will gladly — nay, enthusiastically — finance and launder its dirty, dirty money.
Officials believe that the corruption could have cost the U.S. its own opportunity to be a host country for the World Cup in 2022, an opportunity that has gone to an unusual choice, Qatar. Just FYI, temperatures in Qatar can reach 140 degrees Fahrenheit, which would naturally raise a few questions.
Questions like "Will humans survive the World Cup?" Or, for an extra $10 million in bribes, "Would they hold it on Venus?"
So does this mean that Qatar's winning bid will be retracted and the U.S. will get its chance to host? Nope. FIFA still plans to hold the 2022 World Cup in Qatar.
Look, if there's one thing we at FIFA pride ourselves in, it's once we get bribed, we stay bribed. It's a little thing called integrity.
All of this corruption talk led Stewart to compare FIFA to big banks, prompting him to ask, "What would have happened to these FIFA scoundrels if they were bankers?" After showing a series of clips reporting several big banks' being found guilty of similar crimes but no one being charged, that answer is, startlingly, "nothing."Watch the entire segment below:
Images: The Daily Show With Jon Stewart/Comedy Central