Dear Emory University Fratshionistau,
I know you're getting teased all over the Internet right now. You wrote a well-meaning email to your fellow frat bros, just trying to straighten them out a bit in the apparel department, and someone leaked it.
I'm here to tell you that I liked your email. I appreciated the confident tone and the straightforward way you're trying to clean up your bros. I also think some of your syntax is really endearing ("you choice men," "a lack of worry"), despite the fact that you fail to understand the importance of proofreading. In fact, I'll paste your little note below for all my readers to enjoy — my favorite lines are in bold:
Boys I hope you all had a fantastic break filled with family, friends, and a lack of worry. As you being your long or short trip back to campus I hope you take the time to read this.
You are poorly dressed.
I’m glad that is off my chest. Now as your apparel chair I realize this is a reflection of my poor performance, so, in order to combat this I have decided to begin a weekly fashion column for you choice men.
You lucky bastards.
Anyways this column will include what is “hot stock” for the season, one designer you should definitely emulate, and more importantly, what NOT to wear. This should set you all on the correct path to being a frat fashionista, but in some of the more severe cases (I’m looking at you Liz) my door is always open to one-on-one advising. Before this e-mail gets any longer I’ll start the column.
What is in this season? Glad you asked.
Earthy Tones: Can’t go wrong with mama earth’s natural beauty, or even plaid (Blake you are in luck). Extra points if you can incorporate Burgundy.
Cuffed Paints: whether blue denims or brown oxfords, roll ‘em up boys. These will pair amazingly with that pair of high top sneakers you’ve wanted to hit mags with.
Statement Scarves: I know this one is a stretch for most of you that aren’t Aris, but statement scarves can make your ensemble heat up as the temperatures drop.
Designer you want to be looking like:
Japanese label, Talking About The Abstraction, just released their Spring/Summer lookbook, and boys, THIS IS HUGE. Start putting the spare change in the piggy bank if you want to look like a high roller. Link below, but remember, I am not liable for your computer’s water damage when you begin to drool over the keyboard.
Try Again, Bro:
The final part of this column, and the most important, is what not to wear. One in particular has been bugging me so I’ll just come out with it, dress pants need to be hemmed. When you are sporting formal wear the most important thing is not threadcount (sorry Jaffe), but FIT! So find a local tailor and clean it up. This message holds true even if you are going to a date party with that cute Theta or headed to that interview with Bain. But I am all about being constructive with my advice, so I’ll give you an option to up your formal wear game…
Look sharp and keep the bank unbroken by putting on this J Crew Ludlow Suit
Thanks for your time bros, I hope you take all of this to heart and make a concerted effort to look good, it’ll go a long way, trust me.
Love & Respect,
I was pretty impressed that you knew about the brand Talking About the Abstraction, and the way you directed your fellow bros to a J. Crew Suit was truly heartwarming — as was your insistence on burgundy. Since we're practically friends now, I have a few tips for you in return:
1. You are kind of accidentally telling your dudes to dress like douchebags. I'm sorry to fling such a cliché fraternity slur back in your face, because you seem like a well-meaning soul who just wants people to hem their suits. But cuffed pants and statement scarves on frat boys tend to scream Future Wall Street Scam Artist Who Won't Commit. And maybe that's what your boys want to look like. Just make sure they know the path down which they are headed when they "hit mags" in their WASP-y ensembles.
2. Earth tones aren't really "in" this season for men. It's more like they never left. A man in earth tones is about as predictable as a man in, um, khakis? Brown loafers? See what I mean? If you're really feeling high concept (you directed your men to an avant-garde Japanese label, after all), urge them toward more striking colors of the rainbow.
3. But not pink polos. Never pink polos!
4. Good for you for not making your column all about banging sorority sisters. Yeah, I've seen the horrifying leaked frat emails of the past; I've seen how creepy and dark it can get in that world. So I'm pretty impressed that your fashion tips are focused on making your bros look good for the sake of looking good, not as a means to an end — the end being that "cute Theta's" pants. Please don't prove me wrong in your next (inevitably leaked) "column."
5. Keep fighting the good fight. I know what frat boys dress like (see the above picture). You know what frat boys dress like. Style can get pretty bad in a world of red solo cups and not a hint of burgundy (men never listen, do they?). The world needs people like you who are willing to adopt the slightly embarrassing title of "apparel chair" and tell it to your boys straight. P.S. I'm not hitting on you.
Image: Clinton Steeds/flickr