41 Thoughts You Have When You Sleep With Someone For The First Time, Because It's Totally Normal To Have A Mental Soundtrack When You're Giving A Blow Job
Getting naked and having sex with someone new is intimidating. After all, there aren't many people in the world who get to see your entire unclothed body, and actually smushing your genitals together is a pretty big deal. Whether you're looking for a relationship or just hoping for a quick, clean one-night stand, there's no denying that the first time is very, very different from the 50th time.
Maybe I'm just an overly-anxious person, but I really feel like I can't be the only one who freaks out a little when I sleep with someone I've never slept with before. I have a million thoughts running through my head, most of them focusing around subjects like whether my boobs look normal or if I'm really as good at giving head as I think I am. And from what I've heard from my friends, I'm not alone. What appears in the movies as a fun, romantic experience is a fun, stressful experience in real life. And when you consider the fact that the CDC reports that the average woman between the ages of 25 and 44 has had an average of four sexual partners, and the average man between the same ages has had an average of six, we're all likely to have the "first time" experience more than a few times.
As someone who's only slept with men, I obviously can't speak for anyone who's ever had sex with a woman for the first time, but I can only imagine that it would bring about a whole different array of emotions. But I can attest to the fact that these thoughts are what go through my head every single time I sleep with someone new, and I know (I hope?) I'm not alone.
1. I now know what this person looks like naked. Weird.
2. Am I going to think about his naked body every time I see him now?
4. Wait, will he think of my naked body every time he sees me now?
5. I should probably try to be poetic and "memorize every curve of their body" like people do in books, but—DAYUMMM he's fine.
6. I need to make a mental note of his penis so I can accurately recount this moment to my bestie.
7. Is it morally effed up to tell your bestie about your hookup's genitals? I read somewhere that it is.
8. Tough luck, bro.
9. OK, the penis is officially a little longer than half my forearm.
10. I really hope he didn't notice me trying to measure it.
11. Scrotums are literally the weirdest body part in this history of body parts.
12. Oh man, he's kissing my boobs now. And my stomach. And my hips. This better be going where I think it's going.
13. Aaaand he's back up at my boobs again. If he's one of those guys that "just doesn't do oral," I will murder.
14. He's taking an awfully long time sucking on leftie, and I'm kind of wondering if there's an Oedipus-y thing happening here.
15. That's right. Keep doing down. More. Mooooore.
16. ~*~ CONGRATULATIONS ~*~ You have found the vagina.
17. Do I taste OK? Do I smell OK? How do my lady bits compare to all the other ones his tongue has seen?
18. He's still going, so mine can't be that bad.
19. Is it too soon to tell him to not treat my clit like a tongue-guitar?
20. Did he really ask me if I'm going to come soon? It's been, like, five minutes.
21. Ugh, I can't relax. Maybe I should just fake one so we can move things along.
22. NO. YOU'RE BETTER THAN THAT. You will ride this out to the end. You will have a real orgasm and take one small step in equal-opportunity orgasms for women everywhere! ONWARD!
23. "I'm not stopping until you come." Fake orgasm it is, then.
24. I'm a disappointment to my gender.
25. You know what time it is? Blowjob time.
26. It's time for me to give it my all. I want to be the very best... like no one ever was.
27. And now the Pokémon theme song is my mental soundtrack for the duration of this BJ.
28. Oh God, did I my teeth just graze his dick? Am I going to be forever known as The Girl Whose Teeth Grazed His Dick?
29. I feel like straight guys really do not realize how much of a jaw workout this is.
30. Hopefully he thinks I'm using my hand to spice things up and not because this face cramp is killing me.
31. Awww yiss. He flipped me onto my back. It's bangin' time.
32. Is that a new pack of condoms? Did he buy them in the hopes of having sex with *me*?
33. Welcome to my vagina. Take a look around. Stay as long as you'd like.
34. Why is he doing that with his hips? Has he boned women who actually enjoy that?
35. Ok, he definitely learned this position from a Cosmo magazine. I know. I read it, too.
36. There we go. Classic doggy style. I can get into this.
37. I'm kind of weirded out by the fact that he can see my butthole right now.
38. Is he coming? He's doing that jackhammer thing. I think he's coming.
39. He has a weird orgasm face. Wait, do I have a weird orgasm face?
40. Kisses and cuddles after sex? We have a winner, folks!
41. That was fun. Can't wait to go home and overthink it for the next week.
Images: James Lee/Flickr; Giphy (8)