Sarah Palin Sets Out To Save Christmas

Sarah Palin wants to save your all-American Christmas, because there's a war going on, doncha know? The former governor of Alaska has just come out with her second book, Good Tidings and Great Joy: Protecting the Heart of Christmas, which is all about rejecting the rampant over-sensitivity and commercialism that comes hand-in-hand with the holiday season. The book is available now, just in time for you to wrap it up for your right-wing relatives, the ones who would never greet someone with a generic "Happy Holidays" — because only Christians celebrate a winter holiday. Oh, Sarah, you ironic rogue!

“Amidst the fragility of this politically correct era, it is imperative that we stand up for our beliefs before the element of faith in a glorious and traditional holiday like Christmas is marginalized and ignored,” noted Palin in the book's official press statement. “This will be a fun, festive, thought provoking book, which will encourage all to see what is possible when we unite in defense of our faith and ignore the politically correct Scrooges who would rather take Christ out of Christmas.”

Let's remember that Palin, after all, has a much better idea about what constitutes Christianity than, say, that pesky Pope Francis. "He's had some statements that to me sound kind of liberal, has taken me aback, has kind of surprised me," Palin told CNN.

The Palin guide to Christmas takes readers on a 200-page journey through, and we quote, "constitutional law to culture wars, from fact to fantasy, from Bristol to bear skull." And she doesn't hold back from including the juicier stuff: Religion in public life (good!), political correctness in holiday advertisements (bad!), and that time she ate a tin of salmon in 1992 (eh?). There's also a bit about making your own stockings, complete with antler button adornment ("You won't find that on Pinterest!"). And while teaching readers how to "get their Christmas on," something that sounds both prickly and tragic to us, Palin also serves up a hearty dose of some down-home philosophizin':

"Without God as an objective standard, who's to say what's wrong and what's right?" she writes, perhaps while looking introspectively out the window at Russia.

Palin is currently doing a book tour, bringing the reason for the season to mass bookstore chains everywhere. Her first stop?

The political Star of Bethlelem then continues to illuminate the South and Midwest with her feisty commentary.

As a bonus feature, all you eager readers are treated to a selection of Palin family Christmas recipes located handily at the back of the book. Feeling stressed about the state of the Christmas season? Get yourself into the kitchen and whip up a big batch of 'Christmoose Chili' (see what she did there?) for the whole family! Just make sure to sprinkle conservatively with a dash of Americana, a little hint of rogue seasoning, and serve with a glass of melted Alaskans snow.

Here's some memorable quotes from the book, as read by Palin herself. The laugh track is over-the-top and, ultimately, a bit unnecessary. But at least it proves she's read, cough, wrote the book.