How Santorum's Lonely Lunch Probably Went Down

The campaign trail is hot for almost all of the 2016 presidential candidates, but when Rick Santorum went to a diner in Carroll, Iowa, he wasn't so popular. The only people who showed up at Sam's Soda and Sandwiches on a Monday afternoon were three of his staff members, two Democratic campaign trackers, a waitress, two diners, and one reporter, according to CNN.

Santorum shook off his disappointment and spent the hour drinking a chocolate milkshake with the two diners. One woman said she couldn't remember if she'd voted for him or Michelle Bachmann during the 2012 election caucuses but was impressed with him now, though she said she still wasn't sure whether she would vote for him. Santorum declared the other diner, a young man who supported him, his new county chair. Santorum's later event that day did not go so well either, though he has a record of doing well in Iowa.

"It's a lot of miles and it's a lot of one-on-one, small group conversations to get people interested in the vision that you have, and buy into that vision ... and be willing to make a difference," the candidate told CNN.

A lot of things must have been going through Santorum's mind when he first walked into Sam's, probably not just about whether to splurge on a cheeseburger. He might have thought about just leaving, but once he committed to staying for lunch, he had to do the best he could. Here are nine things that (probably) happened at that diner.

See A Very Casual Politician Here

We're sure Santorum practiced his casual poses by the window in hopes that someone would see a very casual politician and want to come in. He probably started by propping his foot on a chair and leaning his elbow on his knee as if he were thinking really hard, then switched to slouching a little with his sleeves rolled up and his elbows on the table.

He'll Stick With His Milkshake

Santorum must always face the internal debate of whether to order a beer or not. He cannot seem as if he likes it too much but also wants to appear as if he's down to earth.

Rick's Mean Girls Flashback

Santorum certainly wondered whether he should go eat lunch in the bathroom because his high school days taught him that eating alone is social suicide. He stuck it out, though.

Santorum Makes A Show Of Not Paying

Santorum probably made a big show of not paying for anyone's food as proof that he's tough on budget issues. He placed his $3.50 in exact change on the table, and when one of his aides asked if Santorum could spot him for lunch, the candidate surely replied, "No, Brad, we cannot continue this pattern of reckless spending."

Santorum Tries To Remember The Rules Of Football

If an Iowan asked Santorum what he thought the Hawkeyes' prospects were this year, the candidate would have had to make sure in his mind that yes, the Hawkeyes are a popular football franchise. Sweat would have dripped onto his perfectly ironed collar as he wondered if football was something like polo but without the horses.

15 Percent? 20?

Santorum must have had to decide what is an appropriate tip for a chocolate milkshake. A dollar is almost 30 percent, but giving change is just tacky. Would he lose his only two votes to gain here if he put down three quarters?

Santorum Gets Embarrassed

Would this event make him look bad? Was he losing the respect of his staff? Would it be wrong of him to go nudge the reporter into making it seem as if this event wasn't such a failure? Where were the other reporters anyway? There had been a bus following his campaign, right? What happened to the bus? This all seemed like a bad sign.

Santorum Is Very Conscious Of The Jukebox

Bruce Springsteen or Rod Stewart was probably playing, and the middle-class music likely gave Santorum a headache. The stress of trying to act like a Midwestern, normal human being was certainly taking its toll. He couldn't change it though because no self-respecting Republican admits he doesn't like this kind of music.

Santorum Finally Leaves This Wasteland

At last, Santorum could leave the diner. An hour was long enough to seem positive about spending his lunch hour in Carroll, Iowa. Once he got back in his vehicle, he could listen to some classical music on his iPhone, settle back into his neck pillow, and be a real politician again.

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